Daily Diary December 3, 2022

I’m 63 and could retire, but then my Goddess, my wife asks – and do what? So, for now, I keep my corporate job writing and recording technical computer training material. It’s fun, easy, pays well and the people I work with are cool – I work from home and it gives me something to do while the cats nap.

But, to the point, I do have three things I want to do “in retirement”

  1. Is publish something I wrote. I even have a working title – “Being No One, Going Nowhere” I don’t consider a blog I set up and write to as being published (You know that ‘Nemo’ is Greek for No One 😉 . I wrote a lot in 2002 – 2008 – some if it strong and good most of it chaotic blend of half-in half –out ND/D– but there are gems in there like this:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone
or never was or never can be
a bird may be singing,
a raindrop slides down a window
a plate breaks
a cat brushes your leg
you pick up your keys
or turn on a light
you will forget to remember to be you
in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes
you will be you no longer
but ever more so

Emerged spontaneously pretty much as you see it.

Agreed – I am seeing more and more that the ego fades or “gets out of the way” or becomes a small little servant waiting to be asked to do something: When it fades and the Pure Awareness (PA) seems more “direct and stronger” ( nicely put by the way, spot on,  I totally agree It does not get ‘stronger’, the veils of mind/ego become less  and it shines through more noticeably, of course PA never changes) then when a “question arises” – the mind works to help craft the language and concepts. E.g.: “What is the meaning of life – (instant reply) Service to others.”
And it seems to play a part in understandings and knowing – conceptually – which seems to be a required(?) aspect of this manifestation, at least. I’m still examining and inquiring into whether any actual understanding/knowing occurs in the mind or if that is happening more in the PA via the mind. Of course, it’s all PA.

While I have 20+ years conceptual clarity mixed in with a few glimpses of Pure Awareness, I have (what time is it…?) 10 days of actual experience, and 60+ years of ego has some inertia in it. So pointers and such are getting clearer and clearer.

Yes, less obscured, and more noticeable when not in meditation. I have four “reminders” the ringing in my head (the bell), the breath, the electric aliveness in my body (the buzz), the visual field of graininess (in semi-dark rooms, it’s there in lighted rooms, but way too hard to notice, though that has started to be more noticeable)  -these four are constant companions and reminders. I take them as the manifestation or “footprint” of PA in human form. But IDK – still working on describing it and its purpose. As I consider most self-referential internal narrative as toxic waste by-product of PA in human form. IDK LOL

Quick terminology thing. I like “Pure Awarenss” thought “pure” is redundant of course and currently have a small minor hindrance using “Consciousness”, as consciousness to me implies some form of cognition. But I am getting more and more OK using consciousness. Another poster used – it’s all “objects appearing” and I have an issue with that as “Object”  implies a subject to be aware of- but maybe I’m being too nitpicky and pedantic –a Vasana I have from being a teacher or what contributes to  me being a good teacher. Anyway…PA works well as a pointer because it is harder to reduce it to an “concept-object” in the mind.

I’ve thought about posting in reddit – “What is your favorite and least favorite pointers and why?”
Everything is a pointer, of course, but some are more pure or closer to truth or more useful, and some less.

Yes, I get the “light coat of self” – excellent observation – and here aspects of the PA are more and more noticeable in “day to day life when I go outside”  and I can see that becoming more of the foreground.

Playing such an instrument in service. I get chills of compassion and love just thinking about it.

#2 in retirement is to assemble an acoustic guitar.

#3 is volunteer in Hospice – My Goddess’s mother died in the house here recently in hospice care and the hospice folks here in North county San Diego were Amazing. I’d like to give something back and pass it on.

As my wife would say – that’s a lot of words. But this becomes part of my daily diary work.

It’s early am here and I’m up and the PA is more noticeable; I can see the allure of “I don’t need to meditate” as the PA shines through more and becomes the natural resting state.

So, to your point – I’m off to meditate.

Going to a Friend’s Party

Going to J. and J.’s party tonight. It was amazing.

Very much like Bradley Cooper in limitless.

It was masterful pristine. He went to say when to say it I was relaxed calm.

I was witty and clever and irreverent to just the right degree. When necessary redirected  conversation to lighter topic when it got too heavy was honest about Justin and Jason to the sales guy talk to 13 or 14 different people.

It was amazing to be able to just shake hands and introduce myself.

and go  from there and it was easy to find something to talk about from how do you know Justin and Jason to whatever.., where are you from what brought you to SD…

Being warm and genuine and truthful and honest.

And I was so high when I left, I used to use a lot of drugs to feel like that just to get there.

Frankly, I was stunned how easy it was effortless calm relaxed.

Definitely some people with attracted to, and most people is neutral with and a couple had really not good energy and I really noticed that.

And stayed away from them typically seemed to be women with heavy bodies.

I can honestly say I enjoy myself had a good time and might actually look forward to doing something like that again.

It’s a little weird that I won’t see those people again anytime soon, so that’s a part of it but it’ll be interesting to go to a party where I know everybody and see how that goes.

There were some initial – I wouldn’t say stress so much – more  a little tightness about how it would all play out.

And clearly there’s nothing to worry about.

Just show up.

This is easily one of the most clear indicators and pointers to a significant massive personality shift.

There’s no other way to put up with that.


One Day – Describing the Indescribable

December 1, 2022

I can appreciate the exquisite ecstatic agony of crafting a pointer to nothingness, by negating and contradicting concepts invented to describe something-ness.

In a sense it reminds me of Quantum Physics- how Einstein, Bohr, Heisenberg, et al, described a universe that cannot be known or completely or accurately measured, using only mathematical and statistical symbols.

Here, the ecstatic agony is to craft a pointer as a story as well as story as a pointer. This arose decades ago spontaneously & just a moment ago:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone

or never was or never can be

a bird may be singing,

a raindrop slides down a window

a plate breaks

a cat brushes your leg

you pick up your keys

or turn on a light


you will forget to remember to be you


in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes

you will be you no longer

but ever more so

And aphorisms, one of my favorite vehicles:

You can’t make it happen, you can’t prevent it from happening.

  • this works both inside and outside.

Awareness As, not Awareness Of.

  • paraphrasing Steven Norquist.

Also see Franklin Merrell Wolff’s book: Philosophy of Consciousness without an Object. “Consciousness without an object Is” Is primary.

Daily Diary November 30- December 1, 2022

Flared awareness arose last night after posts on Reddit.
I woke to clarity in the terms of the post.
Wrote my  reply, and then continue to work through things:
first thing I noticed was that of course everything is self arising – the pure awareness. It’s also the mind and the parts of that.
The mind can never fully understand, or know, because knowing and understanding is an aspect of the Self and mind by very nature will always be dualistic, so it always see it as awareness of not  awareness as.
In a sense , the mind takes bazillion of instantaneous snapshots of experience,  perception,  feeling, emotions concept, body sensation.
The mind at best can get a barest inkling or infer the truth that this is all the self manifesting, including the mind itself and its products, but it can never fully grasp it  it’s not possible. The nature of the mind is inherently dualistic, and therefore can never fully grasp non-dual reality
So, even in the pure awareness, mind is aware of this happening but created a n illusory duality that the happiness is in the pure awareness that it needs  to get to that. That is simply mind doing the best it can to understand its true nature, which it can never do.
Happiness is right  here now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all  just the self. All of it is self even the ego is a self rising as ego.
Practice for me is both strengthening and discipline the mind, but also reminder of what’s true. And it’s quiet time to allow this to happen without objective interference.
And a time to also bring the mind back into itself.
The bell,  the breath, and the buzz and the visual field are all constant reminders that this is the self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Possible post the non-contradiction contradiction.
Awareness as not awareness of.
PA flared again last night- seems to be happening every other day. Contraction from cold and needing to sleep the night after being up all night seem to play into it.
Realization my practice is both strengthening, disciplining but also reminder, and chance to be with the stillness and PA w/out so much objective work’.
Crystal clear recognition all is Self- including mind and thoughts. Complete non-duality.
While the mind can -at best – infer a barest glimpse of Truth and surrender -a bit- and allow ‘limited’ understanding of the truth,
It cannot ever know, understand or comprehend-‘get its mind around LOL- the Truth.
Not because it doesn’t want to or is resistant but because it’s totally incapable of doing it.
Mind is all about duality- this here that over there.
Even the ‘happiness that is our nature’ becomes ‘I’ here have to merge into that there to experience the happiness.
Nope. All of this is Self, and for me the happiness arises right here, right now.
There is no abiding in or merging with Self.
It is all just Self and idea of ‘merging’ is the ego duality as well. Merge and abide are inherently dualistic by definition.
There is awareness of that that rises and falls and becoming distracted by illusion of mind-thought, but there’s nowhere to go.
Happiness is right here and now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all just the Self. All of it is self even the ego is Self arising as ego.
Truth is: awareness as not of.
Mind will always see awareness of.
The bell – constant ringing in my head, the breath, and the buzz -electric feeling of aliveness as my body and the visual field – graininess that underlies all vision- are all constant reminders that this is the Self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Naturally timing the moment between exhale /inhale to pause in heartbeat.❤️
Even my idea or ‘perception’ that the PA is underneath/just behind all is dualistic thinking.
Subtle, perhaps, but enough to satisfy ego and ‘keep me looking for what was never there’ 🙄🫥🤨