Daily Diary December 30, 2022

As I practice suspending the intermediate internal narrative thought-stream – called no-self or being a nobody or Presence – there is no sense of knowing or understanding. And there is clear sense that “traditional” knowing – and the familiar feel of knowing is unnecessary. It All functions just fine – and better –  without it.

And I’m finding this is accompanied by a feeling of alone-ness and even longing for it. It’s a very familiar and an old mental habit and seems to have a comforting feel to it -possibly not unlike Linus and his blanket. I wonder if this is akin to what I felt when I threw away my security blanket as a young child. I can still see the long march to the trash chute – the long narrow hallway, the grimy trash chute door and how heavy it felt to pull it open, the feel of putting it into the chute and letting go and the finality of the slamming metal door.

While there is no doubt that this is the right way to go and even peace at the thought of dropping the intermediate internal narrative thought-stream, there is still some fear of letting go. Will there be anything to take the place of the discomfort and alone feeling right now?  Will this pass – of course it will – and in a year, as the periods of no-thought increase and become longer and more frequent, will this time fade into memory? I assume so, which is one reason I continue to blog this.

Still, there is some sadness and tinges of fear mixed in. Talking to my self has been my primary comfort and security for a long long time. Am I that unusual n this respect? Do I have it to much greater degree, or am I just  more aware of it?
Do most peo0ple have this and just aren’t as aware of it as I am? I notice how my mind wants to both make me wrong for being so dumb and doing this to such a degree for so long, and at the same time special for being able to be so much more “broken” than others.

I find it interesting that Eckart Tolle talks to this directly – sitting with another in Presence – no thought, no judgment, etc. As does Ram Dass – “being nobody”.