November 14, 2022
Began practicing focusing on the feeling in my body – especially the tingly-alive feeling in the hands and forearms to draw attention away from excessive, constant thought and internal narration. Focusing on the body did serve to break the thought stream for a time. First day was a STRUGGLE in Meditation to do this. Started falling asleep, falling over. Very much resistance. Second day, less so. Clearly ‘something’ was coming through when the thought stream stopped. Peace, joy, stillness, calm flooded in. Then third day, about midnight lying awake. Working out the inconsistencies and contradictions of duality and non-duality. How can both be true: If this self cannot take action to affect it to allow source to come through, then why did it seem to work?
Yes, this is a good practice within the dream for this self. But why?
And then the thought occurred: reverse it – I have it backwards. It’s not this self, doing something to allow the Source, the One, to shine through. It IS the source manifesting as this dream-self practicing. So, no, the dream self does not do anything. It is a sock puppet on the hand of the Source. Because there is no “self” to do it or not do it. Either the Source desires to have it happen and it manifests it in form or it doesn’t. Even the apparent choice is still the Source manifesting as an apparent choice. So, perhaps the Source had to manifest this way given the nature/conditioning of the self – within the rules of the dream state. Which may be why each Individual’s awakening would be different. And then there was no desire – until desire arose. Reversed subject object – the One comes to the foreground and the dream-self ego fades to the background. Yet I can speak from either with perfect clarity. My sit was 1:21 hours today and felt like no time- could have sat there longer if cat on my lap didn’t want to get up. What more is there?
And there was a direct recognition that all is the One manifesting and that is all there is. There was an immense sense of freedom, liberty, energy and lightness. Thoughts of seeing people who I have a past of disliking or was mad at – no longer bothered me – they are as I am – we are all the same One manifesting as us – so what is there to be mad at?
Same with vegetarianism or use of drugs or anything. There was freedom and anything was ok. Of course, there was awareness of consequences in the dream but even then – all eventually returns to or when body falls away is only the Source remaining – so no hindrances. Why did the Source choose/desire to manifest as Joe in this way – because it did. I don’t think this has a causal answer. Same as why is the nature of consciousness to take any form – or gold to be carved. Because it just is. Why is water wet? Or air dry or gravity has a pull. My first original thought: you can’t make it happen, you can’t prevent it from happening. The you is the dream-self – it does not exist (it’s a dream of the One) so it cannot act on its own and has no choice or volition or free will, though in the dream state there is an illusion of these. And, I’m HOME. Finally. Since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to go back home. I thought I had to get out of here – the dream state – to find home But of course that is not how it works. I used spirituality, drugs, etc to try to get out of the chaos and insanity of the dream state – parents, society, friends, etc. Can you blame me? But now I am Home. I have always been Home. Could never be anywhere else. But now the dream self is not blocking that knowledge.
Feelings of love tenderness arose freely.
And the feelings of fear and ineffable sadness that have been the underlying feelings for decades simply vanished.
Later in the day the experience of a cold arose and when to bed early after taking some meds for the stuffy nose and head/body aches.
Net day awoke to a feeling of contraction – no sense of sadness or fear, but no similar energy “exuberance” as my wife calls it or ease of seeing the One manifesting as everything – yet the truth and recognition cannot be doubted.
Continue to focus on the feeling in the body and there is stillness, and relaxation that arises.
Also, freedom from irritation and anger – almost nothing arose and when it did it dissolved instantly.
Also, no interest in politics or human condition (climate change, etc).
So, next day, not as much, almost a backlash, strong mind, irritation, Continue to practice focusing on body – much harder today.
Love for my wife returned IN FULL after 3 years of barrenness – THAT is worth the price of admission. And I have to remember – there are over 60 years of pent-up conditioned mind to be dealt with. That will continue to arise and I think the focusing on the bell (in my head) breath and body buzz may be enough to diminish the mind’s activity. Also was the idea that the One manifesting as this brought two gifts – direct experience of non-duality and a practice to handle the mind going forward.
interestingly my nervous habit of many decades just stopped in the face of stillness coming to the foreground. Also no interest in drugs/alcohol and even movies and tv.
I would add, as an old friend asked, what about today (day after feeling the cold). Cold was gone and exuberance – the Current is the term I prefer for historical reasons – was there as strong as ever, if not stronger. Next steps? No idea. There’s an inkling of seeing my true nature as consciousness, but I think I saw that years ago, so, now it may be just enjoy the ride, with nothing left need be done. We’ll see. Am i enlightened? Of course not, no one ever became enlightened, it is an impossibility, because there is no one – no separate being with choice and volition to act on their own – and anyone who claims it is suspect. Some have said I reached McKenna’s “human adulthood” fine, what ever, I don’t care. I realized my wife is a Goddess and my cats are enlightened and that is plenty.