Daily Diary December 3, 2022

I’m 63 and could retire, but then my Goddess, my wife asks – and do what? So, for now, I keep my corporate job writing and recording technical computer training material. It’s fun, easy, pays well and the people I work with are cool – I work from home and it gives me something to do while the cats nap.

But, to the point, I do have three things I want to do “in retirement”

  1. Is publish something I wrote. I even have a working title – “Being No One, Going Nowhere” I don’t consider a blog I set up and write to as being published (You know that ‘Nemo’ is Greek for No One 😉 . I wrote a lot in 2002 – 2008 – some if it strong and good most of it chaotic blend of half-in half –out ND/D– but there are gems in there like this:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone
or never was or never can be
a bird may be singing,
a raindrop slides down a window
a plate breaks
a cat brushes your leg
you pick up your keys
or turn on a light
you will forget to remember to be you
in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes
you will be you no longer
but ever more so

Emerged spontaneously pretty much as you see it.

Agreed – I am seeing more and more that the ego fades or “gets out of the way” or becomes a small little servant waiting to be asked to do something: When it fades and the Pure Awareness (PA) seems more “direct and stronger” ( nicely put by the way, spot on,  I totally agree It does not get ‘stronger’, the veils of mind/ego become less  and it shines through more noticeably, of course PA never changes) then when a “question arises” – the mind works to help craft the language and concepts. E.g.: “What is the meaning of life – (instant reply) Service to others.”
And it seems to play a part in understandings and knowing – conceptually – which seems to be a required(?) aspect of this manifestation, at least. I’m still examining and inquiring into whether any actual understanding/knowing occurs in the mind or if that is happening more in the PA via the mind. Of course, it’s all PA.

While I have 20+ years conceptual clarity mixed in with a few glimpses of Pure Awareness, I have (what time is it…?) 10 days of actual experience, and 60+ years of ego has some inertia in it. So pointers and such are getting clearer and clearer.

Yes, less obscured, and more noticeable when not in meditation. I have four “reminders” the ringing in my head (the bell), the breath, the electric aliveness in my body (the buzz), the visual field of graininess (in semi-dark rooms, it’s there in lighted rooms, but way too hard to notice, though that has started to be more noticeable)  -these four are constant companions and reminders. I take them as the manifestation or “footprint” of PA in human form. But IDK – still working on describing it and its purpose. As I consider most self-referential internal narrative as toxic waste by-product of PA in human form. IDK LOL

Quick terminology thing. I like “Pure Awarenss” thought “pure” is redundant of course and currently have a small minor hindrance using “Consciousness”, as consciousness to me implies some form of cognition. But I am getting more and more OK using consciousness. Another poster used – it’s all “objects appearing” and I have an issue with that as “Object”  implies a subject to be aware of- but maybe I’m being too nitpicky and pedantic –a Vasana I have from being a teacher or what contributes to  me being a good teacher. Anyway…PA works well as a pointer because it is harder to reduce it to an “concept-object” in the mind.

I’ve thought about posting in reddit – “What is your favorite and least favorite pointers and why?”
Everything is a pointer, of course, but some are more pure or closer to truth or more useful, and some less.

Yes, I get the “light coat of self” – excellent observation – and here aspects of the PA are more and more noticeable in “day to day life when I go outside”  and I can see that becoming more of the foreground.

Playing such an instrument in service. I get chills of compassion and love just thinking about it.

#2 in retirement is to assemble an acoustic guitar.

#3 is volunteer in Hospice – My Goddess’s mother died in the house here recently in hospice care and the hospice folks here in North county San Diego were Amazing. I’d like to give something back and pass it on.

As my wife would say – that’s a lot of words. But this becomes part of my daily diary work.

It’s early am here and I’m up and the PA is more noticeable; I can see the allure of “I don’t need to meditate” as the PA shines through more and becomes the natural resting state.

So, to your point – I’m off to meditate.

Going to a Friend’s Party

Going to J. and J.’s party tonight. It was amazing.

Very much like Bradley Cooper in limitless.

It was masterful pristine. He went to say when to say it I was relaxed calm.

I was witty and clever and irreverent to just the right degree. When necessary redirected  conversation to lighter topic when it got too heavy was honest about Justin and Jason to the sales guy talk to 13 or 14 different people.

It was amazing to be able to just shake hands and introduce myself.

and go  from there and it was easy to find something to talk about from how do you know Justin and Jason to whatever.., where are you from what brought you to SD…

Being warm and genuine and truthful and honest.

And I was so high when I left, I used to use a lot of drugs to feel like that just to get there.

Frankly, I was stunned how easy it was effortless calm relaxed.

Definitely some people with attracted to, and most people is neutral with and a couple had really not good energy and I really noticed that.

And stayed away from them typically seemed to be women with heavy bodies.

I can honestly say I enjoy myself had a good time and might actually look forward to doing something like that again.

It’s a little weird that I won’t see those people again anytime soon, so that’s a part of it but it’ll be interesting to go to a party where I know everybody and see how that goes.

There were some initial – I wouldn’t say stress so much – more  a little tightness about how it would all play out.

And clearly there’s nothing to worry about.

Just show up.

This is easily one of the most clear indicators and pointers to a significant massive personality shift.

There’s no other way to put up with that.


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