Saturday December 17, 2022
“I’m always baffled by how in-character people are, how themselves they are, how good at being who they are they are. “Wow,” I’m often tempted to say. “You’re so you!” It’s like living in a wax museum and marveling at the realism of everyone you meet. Personhood is very mysterious to me. I myself am not very me, in fact, I’m barely me at all. I could change my planet, species, gender, nationality, community and family without blinking an eye, but I can’t imagine Goober changing his brand of pipe tobacco. ”
THIS I can relate to. I feel less and less like “myself” each minute Whatever the F that even means. I have no idea anymore, if I ever did (didn’t).
W/o a cosmic optometry switch – before/after…
It gets harder and harder to tell.
The no-self shock blew a lot of wiring.
It seems that when I meet people I know now they “fill in the blanks” with ‘old Joe’ crayons. There’s not much of me showing up these days & not much embellishment – very simple and direct.
Yes, I make jokes and stuff. I’m actually very good at a party and in social settings – now that “I’m” not doing it. Nice, polite, friendly, witty, insightful, occasionally snarky if called for. I literally have no idea what’s coming out of my mouth next – versus all the rehearsing I used to do. There was maybe earlier, a little filter – just to check I won’t get hit or arrested – but that is fading. F’ it.
I show up very simple, even dry to an extent and even more so now after the shock.
So people who know me just fill in the blanks and color in between the lines, I guess.
When I meet new people, they have nothing to compare to, and enough of me shows up that I seem like a person and they still probably fill in the “person” blanks.
This is actually a good analogy: I feel like a line drawing in a coloring book and others will fill in the colors for me. I don’t have to do anything.
Of course, that is what we do with everyone all the time. I’m just aware of it.
Speaking of not having to do anything…Here’s the shirt I picked out for tonight’s Xmas party. No idea it had the masks on the cuffs or the stitched writing. I swear, I don’t have to think, plan or do anything – it’s all done for me.