November 17,2022

Dr. ***, first visit Oct 27, 2022

Nov 7th, Lasagna,

Dr. *** Nov 10th

Start with Tolle practice Friday Nov 11

Continue Saturday Nov 12 – casa photos that night – clear

Late Nov 12 – reversal of foreground and background understanding of the one manifesting as practice.

Early Sunday Nov 13, tears in meditation, Emergence of clarity and exuberance, knowing I’m home, love for D my goddess, dropping of sadness and worry and fear. Came down with cold late that night.

Monday 11/13 in contraction from cold.

Tuesday 11/14 Exuberance – calls with Jeff and Bob G.

Wednesday 11/15  shame over poor treatment of Sean and bad pointers.

Cleared by sending Tolle pointers

10:30 pm – Clarity and Exuberance, knowing search light, apology to Sean, spirit in practice, I love Us, channeling for friends and family.

Thursday 11/16 – Yoga in the am – feeling of foreign joe-ness floats away

Day off from work, exuberance down, then up again for visit with Dr. Buckley

Friday, 11/16 – work day – went ok.

Reading Conceptual clarity, Awakening and Liberation and then Maharshi’s description of end state of Jnani – let down, feelings of not enough progress, can’t do that, too weird, unattractive, too much work. Then, later relaxing and realize this happens over a long period of time and might not be so bad. Which led to:

Saturday 11/17 Started reading Maharshi and learned correct practice of  I and who am I

Talked to sister.

George and the house with D. Great time with G/F/D and clearly showing up differently

Noticing of the arising of Ahimsa – non-violence in thought word and deed. Resulting return to vegetarianism and sattvic foods.

started Be Here Now – seeing it in a new light

10:30 pm awake and clear, practicing and started Om chant, and

Sunday 11/18 – trying to sleep holding “relax” and ”sleep” in mind  only partially successful.

Realization mind is machine – good servant bad master, can answer questions when put to it – like a search engine – So who Am I leads to the answer shining through in love, compassion, stillness…+ cat questions

Asked question: what is meaning of life and instant answer was – service to others.

Apology to J

Feeling of calm and still, no emotions, unless needed.

Have to exert effort to think of technical issues at work – leave it for Monday.

Started this timeline






Spirit in Practice

November 17, 2022

You’ve been given the infinite grace of body, mind, spirit and human birth What have you done with it lately to improve your self, others and Life?

Here to remind you to remember what you need to remember.

What is it you want to do?
What is blocking you?


It is more important than ever that you do it. Even if it seems like it doesn’t matter, it does.


Managing the Exuberance

November 17, 2022

Managing the Exuberance

Since the thought stream broke a week ago for the first time there have been multiple days of intense energy that I call the Current*. I wouldn’t describe it as “bliss”.

Sometimes it gets to the point where my hands shake. Driving was a challenging at times. Fortunately, my awareness is very clear when the Current is up, so paying close attention was easy.

While I’ve had experiences with the Current before, it never went away and came back so many times and with regularity. It is the Current that seems to power the clarity and laser focus with which I know things instantly. I’ve now been up for almost 20 hours and the Current was full on, then banked back, then full on again. I’m having to make sure to eat a lot of calories as I seem to burn more in this state.

*Note: I am not using Current here as Franklin Wolf does in “PathwaysTthrough to Space”. His “Current of Ambrosia” seems a different thing.

Curious what your thoughts are as to the purpose of the Current – I’d like to think it’s burning out old tapes and conditioning.

And, how do you manage it? Or do you even try?

How does one know they are enlightened? There’s no popup indicator

Enlightenment is defined here as Zen awakening to the dream – full dis-identification with body-mind and collapse, destruction or simply moving to the background of the ego. I have a problem with the idea of awakening from the dream – awaken into what? – that would all be more part of the dream, but clearly awakening to awareness this is all a dream.

Anyway, I don’t have a little red button that pops out when I’m done. I can’t go to a Spiritual Optometrist and try the better/worse comparison to try and distinguish.

A long time ago during a particularly intense meditation, there arose the clear sense of a small, juvenile entity – let’s call it “Joe’s Ego” – sticking its toe into the sand throwing a tantrum and pouting and being wildly frustrated because it wanted to be the one to choose: choose to exist moment to moment, to make decisions and choices. Frankly to choose anything. But there was something/nothing “behind” it that was choosing to be and by this body-mind coming into being, Joe’s Ego came into being – so there was always something that preceded Joe’s Ego and HAD TO precede it for it to even exist – and so Joe’s Ego could never have its way and be first. I came to think this is where much of my frustration and anger stemmed from. Also, for all my life there has been an ineffable sadness underneath my moment-to-moment existence. A sea of sadness that colored everything and fed my sense of self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. I only had to drop into it, and it was there. And fear too of course.

Recently there was a shift and there was a sense of Joe’s Ego moving to the background, and something/nothing? moving to the foreground – and with that a huge outpouring of lightness, joy, happiness, love, peace, calm, exuberance, energy and tears.

And, with this reversal of subject/object and foreground/background the sadness and fear were gone. Not hidden, not reduced. Flat out gone.

And with this, the realization, rock solid certainty, I’m HOME. Finally. Since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to go back home. I thought I had to get out of here – the dream state – to find home. But of course, that is not how it works.
I used spirituality, drugs, etc. to try to get out of the chaos, insanity and suffering in the dream state-parents, society, friends, etc. Can you blame me? But now I am home. I have always been home. But now the dream self is not blocking that knowledge. Now, three days later, the exuberance, lightness, love, joy, happiness shine through sometimes more, sometimes less. But the fundamental sense of the foreground/background shift hasn’t diminished, even if it does get hidden behind conditioned mind at times, which diminishes very quickly when the thought stream is broken. Desires arise and fall away – there is really nothing I want. Care and worry for the world is gone, it all takes care of itself.

Some background on my practice. Interest in spirituality, tarot, astrology from mom at early age, started practicing Surat Shabda yoga at 15 (introduction to karma, reincarnation, levels of consciousness, guru, vegetarian), zazen in my 20’s, then Be Here Now – which made a Major impression + Ram Dass always resonated for me. Sought enlightenment – confusing it with unicity and cosmic consciousness and such – in order to escape the feelings of not being home and suffering in daily life. Then, mostly walked in circles till 40’s when Power of Now ignited practice (“can you stop thinking at will?”), then Tony Parsons – his message was so powerful seeking dropped for a while. Started again, read McKenna and took The First Step. False awakening a year later – confusing I am All / Atman with enlightenment. What appeared to be True experiences of something/nothing emerging at various times. On another particularly intense mediation experience, identification with ego, male, human, living being, form disappeared and there was the experience of seeing conscience in its raw form (I think). Then polluted my mind and body with drugs and dimmed the awareness and basically gave up practice for the next 14 years and reinserted myself into the Matrix. And then last week, the absurdity of self-loathing over making a lasagna “not perfectly” popped me back into practice and I “knew” I needed to break the thought stream, “accidentally” found a technique to break the thought stream. Started practicing it and 3 days later here we are.

Am I enlightened? I really don’t care – and that did used to matter – whatever happened, it was worth the price of admission.

So, how does one know?


Dis-identification with ego

November 17, 2022

Evening of the 16th I cleared some hindrances that were blocking the clarity and energetic flows. I had given the wrong pointers and message to someone on Reddit and compounded that by being a raging member of the Non-Duality (ND) Police.

With that blockage cleared, I was able to get to sleep, feeling the electric buzz in my arms grow stronger.

Awoke at about 10:30 that night. Thoughts around the cause of the hindrances led to an apology email that I would send, written out of genuine remorse and apology to the person on Reddit. Those thoughts morphed quickly into strong feelings of energy, limitless feeling in my mind -like my mind was expanding to contain the universe. That quickly reversed and I was the universe and  this body/mind appeared within it. Reversal of internal-external universe was inside – mind was outside.

Then there was a message that came through : put your spirit into practice- what are you doing with the spirit given to you to help yourself, others and life to be better.

I worked with that for a while and the message seemed sound. Then I noticed, as I have noticed before in deep mediation, that the awareness was focused when I put it on or directed it towards something I “knew” it in depth. This worked for people and concepts. For people, I thought of friends and relatives and I seemed to channel insights about them.

Then the saying my wife likes to use with our dear friends popped into my mind: “I love us. “

Now, that particular phrasing and grammar always stuck with me as being a bit odd. That’s not typically how people phrase that. It might be I love you guys or something like that. But no, it was that very specific phrasing

And, as I held that in my mind I realized – this is how the universe manifested(manifests?).

The intent, or desire or will arose in The One, The Source, God, Brahman, or whatever (“I” ) through infinite love, manifests as all the infinite manifestations and varieties in the universe. All unique and all the One.

And, notice, the painter is in the picture, it is the One in all its manifestations. Notice the difference with beliefs like “god loves you, or us”  – or we’re all god’s children -again the insertion of the separation where there is and can be none. – it inserts a separation where I love us has none.

And there you have it – how the universe manifested as love in all its forms in three words. My wife, a manifestation of the goddess as all women are, has always been highly practical and efficient.

Then I mainly stayed with this for a few hours  mostly just enjoying The Current – the feeling of being 110 volt being plugged into a 220 or 440 outlet. My wife calls it the Exuberance. But it is clear that the energy flow of the Current is separate from the focused knowing.

Got up so as to not wake the wife at 1 am and came down stairs. Tried to sleep and couldn’t so just enjoyed the new portal to direct knowing.

Got up at 5 and started yoga. Energy was diminishing a bit but feeling of focused Knowing remained. Similar feeling of clarity and high energy s Sunday and Tuesday but now more of a feeling of controlling the focus.

During Yoga – coming up into Sun Salutation – all of a sudden there was this sense of a veil or “ghost body” being pulled away from me or vanishing. And what vanished was the one self – and as I noticed it felt foreign- not “me” – more than looking a mirror and seeing someone else, but of a similar nature I guess, never having had that experience.

And I think that was it – the dis-identification with Joe’s Ego. There was still thought and movement and all – but something was gone – a layer – unneeded – removed.

Then as the day progressed, energy and awareness reduced in intensity. Awareness with had felt like the entire universe inside my mind, reduced to “normal awareness” and the energy reduced as well –  although I’ve now been up 13 hours and feel “normal” – no drag on me or feeling of being fried or toasty which is the usual outcome of long nights like this. About midday start feeling a bit tired and a nap may be in the future. I’m thinking I’m running on residual energy.

Interestingly, mental, verbal, semantic “knots” over ND and related stuff:
True, but there’s no one here anyway, yet typing and reading is arising 😉

Actually work and provide no hindrance or contradiction now. There is the sensation of a body and thought and typing and sitting on a couch.

BUT, answers to issues that might have drawn an anger or edgy response, now something calmer arise.

So, if you could have access to infinite knowledge – what question would you ask?

It’s not about the answer it’s about the question – the question shapes the answer and reveals far more to and about the asker than the answer itself.

Also, feelings of love for sister, which previously were hard/impossible to find.

Desire-lessness and non-attachment are in full presence.




You Can’t Make it Happen and You Can’t Stop It From Happening

November 14, 2022

Began practicing focusing on the feeling in my body – especially the tingly-alive feeling in the hands and forearms to draw attention away from excessive, constant thought and internal narration. Focusing on the body did serve to break the thought stream for a time. First day was a STRUGGLE in Meditation to do this. Started falling asleep, falling over. Very much resistance. Second day, less so. Clearly ‘something’ was coming through when the thought stream stopped. Peace, joy, stillness, calm flooded in. Then third day, about midnight lying awake. Working out the inconsistencies and contradictions of duality and non-duality. How can both be true: If this self cannot take action to affect it to allow source to come through, then why did it seem to work?

Yes, this is a good practice within the dream for this self. But why?

And then the thought occurred: reverse it – I have it backwards. It’s not this self, doing something to allow the Source, the One, to shine through. It IS the source manifesting as this dream-self practicing. So, no, the dream self does not do anything. It is a sock puppet on the hand of the Source. Because there is no “self” to do it or not do it. Either the Source desires to have it happen and it manifests it in form or it doesn’t. Even the apparent choice is still the Source manifesting as an apparent choice. So, perhaps the Source had to manifest this way given the nature/conditioning of the self – within the rules of the dream state. Which may be why each Individual’s awakening would be different. And then there was no desire – until desire arose. Reversed subject object – the One comes to the foreground and the dream-self ego fades to the background. Yet I can speak from either with perfect clarity. My sit was 1:21 hours today and felt like no time- could have sat there longer if cat on my lap didn’t want to get up. What more is there?

And there was a direct recognition that all is the One manifesting and that is all there is. There was an immense sense of freedom, liberty, energy and lightness. Thoughts of seeing people who I have a past of disliking or was mad at – no longer bothered me – they are as I am – we are all the same One manifesting as us – so what is there to be mad at?

Same with vegetarianism or use of drugs or anything. There was freedom and anything was ok. Of course, there was awareness of consequences in the dream but even then – all eventually returns to or when body falls away is only the Source remaining – so no hindrances. Why did the Source choose/desire to manifest as Joe in this way – because it did. I don’t think this has a causal answer. Same as why is the nature of consciousness to take any form – or gold to be carved. Because it just is. Why is water wet? Or air dry or gravity has a pull. My first original thought: you can’t make it happen, you can’t prevent it from happening. The you is the dream-self – it does not exist (it’s a dream of the One) so it cannot act on its own and has no choice or volition or free will, though in the dream state there is an illusion of these. And, I’m HOME. Finally. Since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to go back home. I thought I had to get out of here – the dream state – to find home But of course that is not how it works. I used spirituality, drugs, etc to try to get out of the chaos and insanity of the dream state – parents, society, friends, etc. Can you blame me? But now I am Home. I have always been Home. Could never be anywhere else. But now the dream self is not blocking that knowledge.

Feelings of love tenderness arose freely.

And the feelings of fear and ineffable sadness that have been the underlying feelings for decades simply vanished.

Later in the day the experience of a cold arose and when to bed early after taking some meds for the stuffy nose and head/body aches.

Net day awoke to a feeling of contraction – no sense of sadness or fear, but no similar energy “exuberance” as my wife calls it or ease of seeing the One manifesting as everything – yet the truth and recognition cannot be doubted.

Continue to focus on the feeling in the body and there is stillness, and relaxation that arises.

Also, freedom from irritation and anger – almost nothing arose and when it did it dissolved instantly.

Also, no interest in politics or human condition (climate change, etc).

So, next day, not as much, almost a backlash, strong mind, irritation, Continue to practice focusing on body – much harder today.

Love for my wife returned IN FULL after 3 years of barrenness – THAT is worth the price of admission. And I have to remember – there are over 60 years of pent-up conditioned mind to be dealt with. That will continue to arise and I think the focusing on the bell (in my head) breath and body buzz may be enough to diminish the mind’s activity. Also was the idea that the One manifesting as this brought two gifts – direct experience of non-duality and a practice to handle the mind going forward.
interestingly my nervous habit of many decades just stopped in the face of stillness coming to the foreground. Also no interest in drugs/alcohol and even movies and tv.

I would add, as an old friend asked, what about today (day after feeling the cold). Cold was gone and exuberance – the Current is the term I prefer for historical reasons – was there as strong as ever, if not stronger. Next steps? No idea. There’s an inkling of seeing my true nature as consciousness, but I think I saw that years ago, so, now it may be just enjoy the ride, with nothing left need be done. We’ll see. Am i enlightened? Of course not, no one ever became enlightened, it is an impossibility, because there is no one – no separate being with choice and volition to act on their own – and anyone who claims it is suspect. Some have said I reached McKenna’s “human adulthood” fine, what ever, I don’t care. I realized my wife is a Goddess and my cats are enlightened and that is plenty.