Daily Diary December 11, 2022

Saturday December 10 – Sunday 11, 2022

A very difficult couple of days .I spoke with an old friend yesterday and the conversation did not go well. As a result, I was in contraction most of the day and evening and into today.

Spent two hours in I/who am I meditation this morning. First hour blew through and I was noticing feelings of sadness and suffering, which I haven’t felt in weeks and weeks. There was concern around that and even the possible thought that I have a “lost it”. But since there’s nothing to actually lose and that most of that’s just an experience, I just let it go and continued to sit. But, I could feel my gut was tight – a sure sign of egoic reaction.

Couple things dropped in-  something someone said to me about watching ego versus insight and then something else about carrying someone else’s sadness and suffering. It was almost like the David Bromberg song “Somebody Else’s Blues”. I was wondering where was the sufferting coming from? It wasn’t coming from me. And then after a while, it hit me.

I need to let this friend go.

I’ve been in an enabling, codependent relationship with him, almost from the first time we met. And after sitting and meditating on that I wrote the following:

13 years ago and just a moment ago I picked you up at the side of the road hitchhiking.
And now 13 years later and a moment later, I open my door and let you out , apparently pretty much at the same spot.
I have carried you literally and figuratively for all those years.
I thought I could save you,  guide you, protect you, heal you.
I thought I could sit with you and be a big  brother and keep you company while you – and I – suffered.
I see now clearly that is all ego. And any action I take in this just sustains the ego. I surrender you to the Universe, the Self, knowing you are in better  hands. And always have been.
I realized something was amiss when yesterday I was saying that my personality had shifted and it was permanent and I was just about to say the words ‘and that is why I keep practicing to ensure it’ when you jumped in before I could finish, to say or question if the shift was really  permanent.
I am done. I’m done with my spiritual seeking and I’m done with suffering and sadness and am moving on.
And I am done with us.
I did not send it. As that seems like ego as well. I simply blocked him and deleted him from my address book. Little by little, I relaxed and the tension in the gut when away and my normal well-being stillness, joyfulness and playfulness returned. Actually, the thing to do and probably the hardest thing I’ve done so far along this path.