Author: nn_admin

November 23, 2022

Q: You never had a sense of “I am”? If someone asked you, “do you exist?”, you would have said “no”? If so – or, rather – no matter what your answer – how could you have possibly answered that question, if you had no sense of “I am”? What would you have referenced?  Secondly, who is noticing the “I” spot?

A: In answer to “do you exist” my answer would be Yes. I don’t know what I am but there is something going on here.

I am aware of the feeling of being and feeling of being aware and conscious – and I distinguish the two. Awareness comes first. This feeling of being and being aware and conscious have been the same all my life regardless of the content of the awareness or consciousness. Reading I am That he asks that question and I can confirm that to be true. The feeling of being aware and conscious is the same regardless of the object.

Maybe what your question asks is too subtle of me to pick up on, or maybe I don’t need to.

When I started with inquiry: Who Am I a long time ago it quickly changed to what am I and then I am and then Amness. There was no sense of “I”. I don’t know what that means. Maybe I’m like tom cruise character in the movie Days of thunder – a ‘natural’ race car driver but doesn’t know what all the lingo points to. I never had a living teacher – all this was done on my own with reading and practice such as I could piece together.

Now, I’m writing this after 20+ years of ND study and some practice and few experience.s I don’t know what I would have answered prior to that study. Not trying to be difficult. If you can describe it more precisely I can confirm or deny if that is true for me.

But, really, thank you – the first time anyone has really asked me that. Clearly I’ve been hanging out with the wrong folks!

Yes, there is noticing separation and boundaries and there is usually some form on ongoing narration in my head, though that is lessening.

 

November 23, 2022

Brief background: I recently started practicing I/Who Am I as described by Ramana Maharshi in his “Who Am I” paper. I’ve had conceptual clarity into Non-Duality (Ram Dass, Tolle, Nisargadatta, Parsons, McKenna, Wolf) for many years and that helped. I have also had awakening experiences. But nothing stuck – they eventually faded. And it was also Mokya, but I did not want to accept that.I think for me that is because I did not have a practice to focus the mind and break the thought stream and nothing was going to change until I learned to do this. While I meditated – really sitting quietly with my thoughts – I “failed mediation 101” and did not force myself to let thoughts go and not follow them and rarely brought them back to point of focus..

Recently I found a way to do that and once I started getting control of the mind and breaking the thought stream, things stared to happen quiet spontaneously. Much old stuff dropped quickly: sadness, anger, worry, fear. In place – coming to foreground was what have always been there – love, compassion, calmness, direct access to deeper knowledge.

Then, finally I started reading Who Am I. Nisargadatta talks about focusing on the “sense of I am” (and still the mind – I kept leaving that bit out) . But I never had a “sense of I am” and so did not know what that meant or how to do it.

Reading Ramana make it very clear – focus on the thought “I” and then other thoughts arise, ask the question “Who Am I” and the mind introverts and I go deeper inside. OK, that I can do.

As I started to do this I noticed – not an answer of course – but became more aware of awareness. A Vast, Vast field that enveloped/contained “me” thoughts, and sensation and “existence”. I would say I was appearing within that field and yet was the field -if that makes sense.

Then I noticed a feeling or “spot’ or “area” in the middle of my head behind the eyes. That is where the thought “I” seemed to be. I could focus attention on I and that spot. Initially could not do this other than in meditation. But then I started to focus attention on that spot while doing activities. While taking the cats for a walk, I found that focusing on the spot of “I” withheld a small amount of attention from the mind-thought generated external world. And while doing that, there was a brief, but noticeable change in the feeling of perception of the external world. It became somewhat ‘flat’, 2-d-ish and plastic-y.

I did have to remember to do it! LOLAnd I could see, per Ramana’s description of end state: Sahaja nirvikalpa, could work this way – eventually all attention is withdrawn from the external world and internal thoughts and resides on the and yet it all works.

Very recently – 2 days ago – I noticed my attention was going to the I thought and spot more easily and eventually without my having to remember to do it. Then the I spot started to feel like a magnet actually pulling my attention there until it was harder and harder to remove it and it just remained focused there without will or choice. That has faded, but may be due to having a severe cold at present. But I could see this as how all this might work.

So, I am looking to check in – make sure I’m not off in the weed, not getting lost in Mokya and am heading in the right direction. Feels correct so far.

This is excellent. Keep looking into this spot. You can call this spot a seat of awareness but it is not the awareness itself because it is observable. Nothing observable can be you, you are what observes. This location however is a chasm of sorts and one can abide there without thought. Keep looking into it actively and then endeavor to see what is looking. In time it will be totally natural and no effort will be needed for the aware presence to remain

 

Thank you. That is what I was looking for. Very helpful. Will Do.

We can talk about “endeavor to see what is looking” later.

For now it draws me and focus is effortless when I remember to do it 😉 though that is easier when external and internal are not so active.

And it can serve to reduce the jarring-ness of the eternal existence. Being at a big box warehouse store here in SoCal (“Costco) ” 2 days before thanksgiving felt like what I imagined walking into a mental energetic firefight would be like. Not good. Even focusing on the spot was not enough to fully ward off the craziness.Walking outdoors and expanding into the vastness helped a lot.

Along with that , I am noticing I am much more sensitive to energy and vibrations. With this arise feelings of non-injury so I’m back to being a vegetarian.

A couple nights a week I awake a couple hours after I got o bed and am up the rest of the night, This is when the practice and feeling of the spot is strongest.

No problems with energy – I am fine the next day. I still have some egoic concerns about what if I can’t function the next day (mind says: “So you can’t do this every night!!!”- but this has not happened since this started 3 weeks ago.) I need to let it come and take advantage of it when it does. Along with intense focus on the seat – I have access to direct knowledge. I recently asked: what is the meaning of life – and “service to others” came back immediately. Excellent – I’m down with that.

Sensitivity and focus are down right now and I’m in a bit of an energetic contraction due to the cold.

 

November 21, 2022

Why Now – Why This Fast?
More room in my life:
Wife is financially secure with many, many friends

I am financially secure

Not anywhere near the same responsibilities

November 20, 2022

So, my current take:

I can easily focus on the thought “I” in meditation – and there is an feeling of attention going to an area behind my forehead between the eyes – 3rd eye I think – the feeling or sense of the thought I seems to reside there – not sure if this is really true or helpful – I tend to distrust physical manifestations – or at best it might be useful now but have to be dropped later, of course.

At first I couldn’t focus n the sense of I when out of mediation and active, but that sense is now accessible during action, like walking the cats or typing – though it’s tougher.

 

But, there is a sense of some small, yet noticeable amount of attention being withdrawn or held back from the outward external direction of attention – which I think is what makes the external thought-world “feel” solid and real.

And, I can see that over time as more and more attention is pulled away/withheld from thought-based ‘external”  world, that it would be easier to do, more attention would go inward instead of outward and the external world would become less “real” = more like watching a movie.

This is 5% experience and 95 % conceptual – but k  thing that is correct.

So, it just takes time. I’ve spent 60+ years pouring  attention outward and then getting lost in the immersive aspect of perception and thought stream –  – it will take a while to break the inertia.

But it seems doable – like intense exercise to strengthening a muscle. Noting woo woo about it. Breaking a habit learned and honed over time.

Even at 75 mph on the freeway.

November, 19, 2022

While in meditation, I have started practicing focusing on “sense of I am ” – repeating “I” within my mind and then when thoughts arise, asking where do these thoughts come from : answer is “me” – and then asking “Who Am I”

per Ramana Maharshi’s instructions.Who Am I

“That which arises in the physical body as ‘I’ is the mind. If one inquires whence the ‘I’-thought in the body arises in the first instance, it will be found that it is from hrdayam (literally ‘I am the Heart), or the Heart. That is the source and stay of the mind. Or again, even if one merely continuously repeats to oneself inwardly ‘I-I’ with the entire mind fixed thereon, that also leads one to the same source.

Since every other thought can occur only after the rise of the ‘I’-thought and since the mind is nothing but a bundle of thoughts, it is only through the inquiry ‘Who am I?’ that the mind subsides. Moreover, the integral ‘I’-thought, implicit in such enquiry, having destroyed all other thoughts, gets itself destroyed or consumed, just as the stick used for stirring the burning funeral pyre gets consumed.

Even when extraneous thoughts sprout up during such enquiry, do not seek to complete the rising thought, but instead, deeply enquire within, ‘To who has this thought occurred?’ No matter how many thoughts thus occur to you, if you would with acute vigilance enquire immediately as and when each individual thought arises to whom it has occurred, you would find it is to ‘me’. If then you enquire ‘Who am I?’ the mind gets introverted and the rising thought also subsides. In this manner as you persevere more and more in the practice of Self-enquiry, the mind acquires increasing strength and power to abide in its Source.”

I am also working to be aware of awareness “behind” activities when not in meditation – much harder with eyes open – I am very addicted to my sight.

There is awareness of being aware.

If I keep asking what is aware of the awareness there is – conceptually – not experientially – an infinite regression – I do not think that is correct path. But IDK.

I do notice when I am aware of being aware that there appears to be a small place inside my head at approximately the middle-back of my head, a few inches behind the eyes towards the left.

I do notice when I am aware of being aware that there appears to be a small place inside my head at approximately the middle-back of my head, a few inches behind the eyes towards the left. I can focus attention on this and it seems to pull some attention away from “external” things.

Is this worth pursuing or is it Makyo?

Any other suggestions for deepening this practice as described by RM?  – other than sheer practice?

If that is all that is required, fine, but not wanting to get lost in makyo (again).

 

November 20, 2022

Non-dual awareness and the clarity that comes with it, the understanding there is no separate beings, only the One, and that all this is an illusion are very powerful experiences and insights and realizations.

These insights and experiences are available to all, they don’t belong to any one person, they are shared by us all. Some of us by grace get to access this while alive.

 

And now, the $64k question for those who have had – or are having or will have these experiences and insights:

 

How are you using this profound grace? How are you using the deep insights, capacities, knowledge, new awareness, clarity and stillness to benefit yourself, your family, your friends and your local and global community?

Don’t you think that a spiritual practice and its outcomes/effects should make you a better person and member of the human race? Otherwise, why do it? Don Jan would ask: is this a path with Heart?

 

ND can be an amazing realization. But if we spend too much time on the Wow this is so cool, we may miss the opportunity to put it into practice to improve the lives of ourselves and others.

In the podcast you mention a “Flow Experience”. The definition I use comes from the book “The Logic or Failure”. To paraphrase and add a bit of dramatic embellishment:

 

A flow experience is when a person comes to you who does not have a watch and tells you they need to take medicine at 12:00 sharp or they will die. And now it is 11:45. Instead of telling them when it is 12:00 you launch into a deep explanation of how the clock works. And, lost in the flow experience of explaining how a clock works, you miss the 12:00 time and they don’t take their medicine and they die.

 

Now, there is nothing wrong a with a flow experience – they can be intensely fun for sure – and there is value to bringing awareness to it until it gets in the way.

 

Discussing ND can be like that. We can get so focused on the lingo – which is even weirder than grammar in time travel – that we miss the point – how do we use this gift of knowledge to benefit ourselves and each other. Yes, sure, some validation and agreement of terms, and shared experiences is necessary and beneficial. And then we need to put it into practice in our daily lives.

It reminds me of people who get lost in their practice, like using a canoe to get across a river, and when they get to the other side they should let go of the boat and walk on. But sometimes people get attached to their practice.

 

So, as we work through understanding what ND awareness let’s make sure we also look at how we can use it productively in our lives. I think Chris and Sean are wanting to do that with their podcasts.

 

Some reading for those interested in ND. ND has many facets and expressions.

 

“Awakening to the Dream” by Leo Hartong is one of the best ways to get started. Very approachable and accessible concepts and ideas.

 

If you want to use stillness, awareness and presence to help your day-to-day situation and life, I recommend Eckhart Tolle – “Power of Now” and “ New Earth” and this video on YouTube for a good start: Reality is Beyond Thought. PON was a major step for me and my practice.

 

If you want to dig in and really go deep, deep, deep into nature of consciousness, non-duality and nature of the universe and the Absolute Reality, I suggest Sri Nisargadatta’s “I am That”. Very deep book. When I was reading it I would sometimes spend 1 – 3 days on a single page to digest it.

 

If you think you are interested in Enlightenment – and I am referring to Full Blown Zen, cut your head off and annihilate your ego kind of enlightenment, then I would suggest reading “Spiritual Enlightenment, the Damnedest Thing”, by Jed Mckenna.   A great place to help define what E is – and is not – and what it means to pursue it and the consequences of such a pursuit – which are not always pretty or even what was expected.

 

If you want a break from seeking and to “take a rest”, then Tony Parsons’ The Open Secret can help. His message is so simple, direct and yet powerful, that it is can cause seeking to subside. For some the message of true self is enough and they get the contradiction of the One appearing as a seeker who is seeking and the seeking hides the truth of their being the One.

 

If you want to read a step by step journaled journey of awakening, then look at Franklin Merrill Wolf’s “Pathways through to Space”.

 

If you like physics, check out Goswami’s “The Self-aware Universe”.

 

And last but by no means least, is the classic  book: “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass. This and D.T Suzuki’s books on Zen opened up the entire West to Eastern spiritual ideas and launched millions onto the Path. The book is in three parts – first his brief autobiography, and last a “cookbook” for living a spiritual life. But the core of the book is the message and it’s powerful and well delivered.

I first was turned onto Be Here Now in the md-80s by a friend who was practicing Zazen at the time. I invited him over and he gave me “Be Here Now“ and I gave him his first LSD. I think Ram Dass would appreciate that. So, I’m tripping  – not tripping balls, as I could still read and focus on the words,  but enough –  and I opened the book at “random” and started reading. O the page it said:  “If you are doing LSD right now you are seeing your body dissolve…”
Dang! That just blew me away. I’d known for a long time that one can hold a question in their mind and pull pretty much any book off the shelf and open it and an answer will be there in some form. But to sync into me that closely and clearly? Wow.  I always had a resonance with Ram Dass. I was fortunate to see him many times while he was still alive, and got hugs and even an autographed copy of “Be Here Now” – which fed my spiritual materialism for a time.

 

Hope this helps.  My deep respect, gratitude and appreciation for Chris and Sean for putting this site and podcasts together and putting themselves out there – it can be scary to do so. I’ve been on both sides of that.

 

I have joined their site and will be checking in regularly. I would be happy to answer questions, should any arise.

 

November 17,2022

Dr. ***, first visit Oct 27, 2022

Nov 7^th, Lasagna,

Dr. *** Nov 10^th

Start with Tolle practice Friday Nov 11

Continue Saturday Nov 12 – casa photos that night – clear

Late Nov 12 – reversal of foreground and background understanding of the one manifesting as practice.

Early Sunday Nov 13, tears in meditation, Emergence of clarity and exuberance, knowing I’m home, love for D my goddess, dropping of sadness and worry and fear. Came down with cold late that night.

Monday 11/13 in contraction from cold.

Tuesday 11/14 Exuberance – calls with Jeff and Bob G.

Wednesday 11/15  shame over poor treatment of Sean and bad pointers.

Cleared by sending Tolle pointers

10:30 pm – Clarity and Exuberance, knowing search light, apology to Sean, spirit in practice, I love Us, channeling for friends and family.

Thursday 11/16 – Yoga in the am – feeling of foreign joe-ness floats away

Day off from work, exuberance down, then up again for visit with Dr. Buckley

Friday, 11/16 – work day – went ok.

Reading Conceptual clarity, Awakening and Liberation and then Maharshi’s description of end state of Jnani – let down, feelings of not enough progress, can’t do that, too weird, unattractive, too much work. Then, later relaxing and realize this happens over a long period of time and might not be so bad. Which led to:

Saturday 11/17 Started reading Maharshi and learned correct practice of  I and who am I

Talked to sister.

George and the house with D. Great time with G/F/D and clearly showing up differently

Noticing of the arising of Ahimsa – non-violence in thought word and deed. Resulting return to vegetarianism and sattvic foods.

started Be Here Now – seeing it in a new light

10:30 pm awake and clear, practicing and started Om chant, and

Sunday 11/18 – trying to sleep holding “relax” and ”sleep” in mind  only partially successful.

Realization mind is machine – good servant bad master, can answer questions when put to it – like a search engine – So who Am I leads to the answer shining through in love, compassion, stillness…+ cat questions

Asked question: what is meaning of life and instant answer was – service to others.

Apology to J

Feeling of calm and still, no emotions, unless needed.

Have to exert effort to think of technical issues at work – leave it for Monday.

Started this timeline

 

 

 

 

 

November 17, 2022

You’ve been given the infinite grace of body, mind, spirit and human birth What have you done with it lately to improve your self, others and Life?

Here to remind you to remember what you need to remember.

What is it you want to do?
What is blocking you?

 

It is more important than ever that you do it. Even if it seems like it doesn’t matter, it does.

 

November 17, 2022

Managing the Exuberance

Since the thought stream broke a week ago for the first time there have been multiple days of intense energy that I call the Current*. I wouldn’t describe it as “bliss”.

Sometimes it gets to the point where my hands shake. Driving was a challenging at times. Fortunately, my awareness is very clear when the Current is up, so paying close attention was easy.

While I’ve had experiences with the Current before, it never went away and came back so many times and with regularity. It is the Current that seems to power the clarity and laser focus with which I know things instantly. I’ve now been up for almost 20 hours and the Current was full on, then banked back, then full on again. I’m having to make sure to eat a lot of calories as I seem to burn more in this state.

*Note: I am not using Current here as Franklin Wolf does in “PathwaysTthrough to Space”. His “Current of Ambrosia” seems a different thing.

Curious what your thoughts are as to the purpose of the Current – I’d like to think it’s burning out old tapes and conditioning.

And, how do you manage it? Or do you even try?

Enlightenment is defined here as Zen awakening to the dream – full dis-identification with body-mind and collapse, destruction or simply moving to the background of the ego. I have a problem with the idea of awakening from the dream – awaken into what? – that would all be more part of the dream, but clearly awakening to awareness this is all a dream.

Anyway, I don’t have a little red button that pops out when I’m done. I can’t go to a Spiritual Optometrist and try the better/worse comparison to try and distinguish.

A long time ago during a particularly intense meditation, there arose the clear sense of a small, juvenile entity – let’s call it “Joe’s Ego” – sticking its toe into the sand throwing a tantrum and pouting and being wildly frustrated because it wanted to be the one to choose: choose to exist moment to moment, to make decisions and choices. Frankly to choose anything. But there was something/nothing “behind” it that was choosing to be and by this body-mind coming into being, Joe’s Ego came into being – so there was always something that preceded Joe’s Ego and HAD TO precede it for it to even exist – and so Joe’s Ego could never have its way and be first. I came to think this is where much of my frustration and anger stemmed from. Also, for all my life there has been an ineffable sadness underneath my moment-to-moment existence. A sea of sadness that colored everything and fed my sense of self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. I only had to drop into it, and it was there. And fear too of course.

Recently there was a shift and there was a sense of Joe’s Ego moving to the background, and something/nothing? moving to the foreground – and with that a huge outpouring of lightness, joy, happiness, love, peace, calm, exuberance, energy and tears.

And, with this reversal of subject/object and foreground/background the sadness and fear were gone. Not hidden, not reduced. Flat out gone.

And with this, the realization, rock solid certainty, I’m HOME. Finally. Since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to go back home. I thought I had to get out of here – the dream state – to find home. But of course, that is not how it works.
I used spirituality, drugs, etc. to try to get out of the chaos, insanity and suffering in the dream state-parents, society, friends, etc. Can you blame me? But now I am home. I have always been home. But now the dream self is not blocking that knowledge. Now, three days later, the exuberance, lightness, love, joy, happiness shine through sometimes more, sometimes less. But the fundamental sense of the foreground/background shift hasn’t diminished, even if it does get hidden behind conditioned mind at times, which diminishes very quickly when the thought stream is broken. Desires arise and fall away – there is really nothing I want. Care and worry for the world is gone, it all takes care of itself.

Some background on my practice. Interest in spirituality, tarot, astrology from mom at early age, started practicing Surat Shabda yoga at 15 (introduction to karma, reincarnation, levels of consciousness, guru, vegetarian), zazen in my 20’s, then Be Here Now – which made a Major impression + Ram Dass always resonated for me. Sought enlightenment – confusing it with unicity and cosmic consciousness and such – in order to escape the feelings of not being home and suffering in daily life. Then, mostly walked in circles till 40’s when Power of Now ignited practice (“can you stop thinking at will?”), then Tony Parsons – his message was so powerful seeking dropped for a while. Started again, read McKenna and took The First Step. False awakening a year later – confusing I am All / Atman with enlightenment. What appeared to be True experiences of something/nothing emerging at various times. On another particularly intense mediation experience, identification with ego, male, human, living being, form disappeared and there was the experience of seeing conscience in its raw form (I think). Then polluted my mind and body with drugs and dimmed the awareness and basically gave up practice for the next 14 years and reinserted myself into the Matrix. And then last week, the absurdity of self-loathing over making a lasagna “not perfectly” popped me back into practice and I “knew” I needed to break the thought stream, “accidentally” found a technique to break the thought stream. Started practicing it and 3 days later here we are.

Am I enlightened? I really don’t care – and that did used to matter – whatever happened, it was worth the price of admission.

So, how does one know?