November 24, 2022
So, thinking I didn’t get the full Non-Duality package = oneness, loss of separation of self, etc, that some guy posted with no attribution to source, I initially found myself thinking I’d missed something.
The Awakening was intense, clear and unmistakable. And I could not see that there was more to do. I started to use the Clarity to work “out the math” on how ND -D works. And why I wasn’t experiencing “what I should be experiencing”.
This quickly turned into a feeling and thought form that I wasn’t ready to fully surrender and needed to actually “push the total surrender/Annihilate Ego” button.
I even dreamed up a brand new dream character – a little toddler with a melting ice cream cone as a metaphor for not being ready to let go of duality yet.
After realization of being Pure Awareness, there is reluctance to let go of Duality. No suffering or discomfort. More like – as I wrote: Once out, I’m out , no reinsertion into the matrix. So let’s stay and enjoy this for a while. I also know it’s not a ‘choice’ and will resolve itself of its own accord. But it is surprising to see that egoic clinging so clearly. Just haven’t pushed the Total Surrender button yet. Will he or won’t he? Tune in next week for….
I “expected” to feel my wife – who was sitting next to me when this happened – and I are one – but of course that is Pure BS – there is nothing like that in the Pure Awareness. Just thoughts and perceptions arsing. One of which is my darling wife and the thought I should feel oneness with her for this to be legit.
I ask because I still see two where there is only One – and there’s this toddler clinging to its melting ice cream cone. I was surprised to see that arise. Now playing with the annihilate ego button. And looking for a huge towel, as the total surrender may involve a lot of tears. Or not.
Dang! I’m now staring at a bona fide, good old fashioned ego clinging to duality – not wanting to be annihilated- though that’s clearly what’s next. I could relax and ‘easily’ let truth of One as Two flood over me, but there’s no going back – no reinsertion into the matrix – once out, I’m out. And it’s sorta like prolonging climax.
S0, I got to sit with and explore the psychological, spiritual and practical aspects of not wanting to leave Duality. And imagined the clinging of ego – where was none.
AND, I got to experience “first hand” how the mind conjures whole realities – beings, feelings, thoughts, etc. While the toddler did not exist in the external world in any way, he existed in my mind as an object and felt real.