Author: Joe G

One Day – Describing the Indescribable

December 1, 2022

I can appreciate the exquisite ecstatic agony of crafting a pointer to nothingness, by negating and contradicting concepts invented to describe something-ness.

In a sense it reminds me of Quantum Physics- how Einstein, Bohr, Heisenberg, et al, described a universe that cannot be known or completely or accurately measured, using only mathematical and statistical symbols.

Here, the ecstatic agony is to craft a pointer as a story as well as story as a pointer. This arose decades ago spontaneously & just a moment ago:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone

or never was or never can be

a bird may be singing,

a raindrop slides down a window

a plate breaks

a cat brushes your leg

you pick up your keys

or turn on a light

and

you will forget to remember to be you

and

in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes

you will be you no longer

but ever more so

And aphorisms, one of my favorite vehicles:

You can’t make it happen, you can’t prevent it from happening.

  • this works both inside and outside.

Awareness As, not Awareness Of.

  • paraphrasing Steven Norquist.

Also see Franklin Merrell Wolff’s book: Philosophy of Consciousness without an Object. “Consciousness without an object Is” Is primary.

Daily Diary November 30- December 1, 2022

Flared awareness arose last night after posts on Reddit.
I woke to clarity in the terms of the post.
Wrote my  reply, and then continue to work through things:
first thing I noticed was that of course everything is self arising – the pure awareness. It’s also the mind and the parts of that.
The mind can never fully understand, or know, because knowing and understanding is an aspect of the Self and mind by very nature will always be dualistic, so it always see it as awareness of not  awareness as.
In a sense , the mind takes bazillion of instantaneous snapshots of experience,  perception,  feeling, emotions concept, body sensation.
The mind at best can get a barest inkling or infer the truth that this is all the self manifesting, including the mind itself and its products, but it can never fully grasp it  it’s not possible. The nature of the mind is inherently dualistic, and therefore can never fully grasp non-dual reality
So, even in the pure awareness, mind is aware of this happening but created a n illusory duality that the happiness is in the pure awareness that it needs  to get to that. That is simply mind doing the best it can to understand its true nature, which it can never do.
Happiness is right  here now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all  just the self. All of it is self even the ego is a self rising as ego.
Practice for me is both strengthening and discipline the mind, but also reminder of what’s true. And it’s quiet time to allow this to happen without objective interference.
And a time to also bring the mind back into itself.
The bell,  the breath, and the buzz and the visual field are all constant reminders that this is the self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Possible post the non-contradiction contradiction.
Awareness as not awareness of.
Chat:
GM,
PA flared again last night- seems to be happening every other day. Contraction from cold and needing to sleep the night after being up all night seem to play into it.
Realization my practice is both strengthening, disciplining but also reminder, and chance to be with the stillness and PA w/out so much objective work’.
Crystal clear recognition all is Self- including mind and thoughts. Complete non-duality.
While the mind can -at best – infer a barest glimpse of Truth and surrender -a bit- and allow ‘limited’ understanding of the truth,
It cannot ever know, understand or comprehend-‘get its mind around LOL- the Truth.
Not because it doesn’t want to or is resistant but because it’s totally incapable of doing it.
Mind is all about duality- this here that over there.
Even the ‘happiness that is our nature’ becomes ‘I’ here have to merge into that there to experience the happiness.
Nope. All of this is Self, and for me the happiness arises right here, right now.
There is no abiding in or merging with Self.
It is all just Self and idea of ‘merging’ is the ego duality as well. Merge and abide are inherently dualistic by definition.
There is awareness of that that rises and falls and becoming distracted by illusion of mind-thought, but there’s nowhere to go.
Happiness is right here and now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all just the Self. All of it is self even the ego is Self arising as ego.
Truth is: awareness as not of.
Mind will always see awareness of.
The bell – constant ringing in my head, the breath, and the buzz -electric feeling of aliveness as my body and the visual field – graininess that underlies all vision- are all constant reminders that this is the Self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Naturally timing the moment between exhale /inhale to pause in heartbeat.❤️
Even my idea or ‘perception’ that the PA is underneath/just behind all is dualistic thinking.
Subtle, perhaps, but enough to satisfy ego and ‘keep me looking for what was never there’ 🙄🫥🤨

2005-2010

What I find interesting in going back and reading my notes from those days is that I clearly saw pure awareness, pure consciousness quite often, and was indeed in it quite often and even talked about being in it quite often.
What did not happen was closing the circle,  solving the math problem, seeing the FedEx logo, even though I used that quite often in teaching – that I am that
that is what I missed by not having a teacher to guide me in self inquiry and not having a decent meditation practice to make the shift permanent.
No, I had to do it all by myself. If I even asked one person what is meant by the sense of i am and even read the Maharshi essay , I could’ve probably put two and two together and come up with one.

The Microverse defined

I discovered the microverse as a space between awake and the dream state.
I noticed that in that in-between state an entire universe – complete in all details –  is created and it contains a certain situation or scenario.
To refer to Carl Sagan in order to make an apple pie you need the first create the universe.
What I find interesting is that the microverse  created is effectively, infinite like the current universe. You can go as far as you want in any direction and it is complete just like the ‘real’ universe.
And why not? the mind creates the ‘real’ external universe in the exact same way.
This can tie into what I saw of consciousness, tweezing out objects from the formless, bringing them into form, so consciousness is able to create objects from nothing, and those objects, being created out formless consciousness know how to be what they are : so a table for example, knows how to be a table. It doesn’t change into a chair. It doesn’t dissolve into a fish. Unless it’s supposed to.
Also, think about in with psychedelics and other types of things, you get your own personal ‘reality’
sandbox, so you don’t mess up other people’s ‘reality’
From DMT
That there was a Vastness, Source from which everything came and originated  and reality – form – was the mind chopping up /molding of formless source into form. The formless is constrained and restrained to produce the shape and existence of Form. Formless is the basis of form.
There is the sense that
1. Effort (intent or will) was needed to “carve out” a form from the Vastness. There was also a sense of knowing what and how to carve to get the desired form (like a chair a sky or a person). Not carve so much as define with thought. Almost seemed the object, if it was already known, tended to help define itself (?)
2. The effort of conceiving the Pure Vastness reduced the purity and introduced an “impurity’ in a sense. So, that form created by thought is not the Purity itself.(6/12/12: a tension was felt/sensed in forming/constraining the Pure Vastness)
3. After a form was carved out it became real and part of the experienced form of reality – thought and form. It then “knew how to be itself” based on its nature. There never was a sense of telling things how to be or act. Everything just knew how to be itself – how to play out its nature. Like objects in OOP.
Making things from the source was effortless and easy but also required will – things did not arise out of the Source unless pulled out by the mind. The mind really did separate out and draw distinction between things – thereby bringing these things into form. Sometimes a sense of willing to create some thing, some times ”told, informed or ‘just knew’” what to create and that I had to create. Some things were left for me to choose, some were foisted upon me.
Per the movie, inception, we create and perceive at the same time, like creating the bridge, which holds us up at the same time.
We can discover new world’s that don’t exist because we make it up as we go.

Inception as example of maharshi’s explanation of the mind

Starting at 26:00 listen to how he explains how the mind creates the dream- from ’starting in the middle’ to filling it in as you go.
See related reference to the microverse concept.
And there you have it- Inception
And there you have it
the dream state becomes reality
the mind-thought-external projections become their -our- reality.
They come to wake up from the dream also see vanilla sky.
That dream state can be pierced and the true reality can shine through and become their -our- new reality.
From Inception scene with the dreamers at :42

Daily Diary, November 29, 2022

Technically this is a continuing diary from last night the 28th when I had my first session with Sarah for body work.
Then, but 9 o’clock went to bed and just felt Wideawake and then white or awake and Wideawake and all of a sudden I had a small mini vastness in my head.
That was great. I enjoyed it for 1 to 3 hours and did some work as well. Answered questions about non duality.
I am still of the mind that not duality in this context means direct experience of being the one in the manifestation and it’s all the manifestation. I don’t have the experience of separation of subject object boundaries.
Then around midnight I noticed I was –  the word bored comes up but I don’t think it’s appropriate. I think I just had enough so I headed downstairs. Had some granola and finished  the sponge cake and came back upstairs to sleep.
So for me experiencing the conscious awareness is not necessarily bliss and love and flowers and rainbows and unicorns it’s primarily mental very expansive wide-open unconstrained and free even within the context of a small head.
I called this conscious awareness light or the mobile version which I can take with me and fit inside my head instead of a vast vast expanse of this that takes up consumes and contains the entire universe.
of course all the other stuff is there and comes up as needed based on questions and thoughts but that’s not my primary experience. Notice the apology letters to Sean and John P. both written from this space.
I came upstairs to lay down and  by midnight my body started to relax and not go to sleep but rest in the way that would be if it was sleeping
A conscious awareness was not right ramping down or going to sleep so I just lay there and let the body relax more and more and essentially get rest. Conscious awareness didn’t really ramp down until maybe three or four maybe for a little while and maybe dropped off for a bit then went downstairs and hung out on the couch for a bit and tried to rest and sleep and maybe get another hour in.
Very good post from HumblePawn about breath and take that into the practice.
The idea of surrender is spot on.
I have to surrender to when it comes up. I have no control. I have to sign it when it will go away and I have to surrender when it won’t come up.
I’m hoping that continued practice strengthens
and disciplines the mind and also tying in with breathing will make it easier to bring that up for that to enter into arise when it does.
But it is a straight surrender  deal for sure.

Daily Diary November 28, 2022

Normal sleep, still sweating vivid dreams
Up at 4ish yoga, irritable, no emotional affect.
tried to meditate I/who am I – could not focus, kept falling asleep.
Gave up at 8 mins into it, gave up and curled up and tried to sleep for another hour.
Didn’t sleep as such, but got rested, or awake enough to meditate
Was able,to focus on I/who am I, then it seems thought of I faded and there  was just emptiness and stillness. The body-mind just there and stillness behind it and all around it.
Up at 7, good mood. Feeling better.
Read humblepawns response at lunch. Knowledge and understanding are what comes from the Realization
And that changes me.
Session with Sarah. Very good, and she seemed to stop and get the truth about being pure awareness
And liked the Ramana essay.
Ahimsa seems to be gone, so meat and fish are ok.
Searing too, but let’s watch that. There is a lot of violence there.

Daily Diary, November 27, 2022

Last night, I’m going to sleep, chose to meditate instead, focusing on, I am who am
I was conscious through most of the night
dream state did arise, and it seemed like I passed right from consciousness, to  the dream state and back to consciousness twice before finally getting up at 2 AM in the soaking sweats.
Lay down to sleep at 2 AM and fell into unconscious sleep from 2 to 5.
Meditation at six to about seven in the morning very difficult honey mind and I am who I am for the first half hour 45 minutes but I got easier a little bit after that and added an extra five or 10 minutes to the meditation at the end.
Told Rebecca about the practice and shared the who am I essay with her and instructions for practice.
Round about 12:40 I tried meditating and found it much easier to stay focused on the feeling – sense of I going to who I am and I can catch it and come back to I.
Thoughts arising is  very subtle and happens very quickly in the mind and I often can’t catch myself before I’m a few thoughts in an a whole little “Microverse” gets created, and I pull myself back with and then bring it back to mwho I am and I.
The way thoughts seem to jump from the sense of I into almost the middle of his whole slew of thoughts, and microverses remind me very much of the movie Inception, especially when he was first talking to the girl who’s going to be the architect and asks her:”how do we get here you don’t remember you’re just suddenly there and this entire microverse is created in the mind complete and whole. And then disappears as quickly.
It does make it tougher to pull back and catch it quickly and come back into who am I and back into  I am.
I never noticed how I thought stream starts. I’m just in the middle of the thought stream and it’s ongoing.
Describe the experience and realization to Rebecca and offered her the who am ISAN instructions for practice give her fair warnings and she is willing and wants to go forward.
Who knows maybe her big brother will turn her onto something which will allow all the pure joy, happiness, compassion, and love, that is a true nature of all of us to shine through the clouds of her mind.

Self-Inquiry Dialog with S

11/24/22
Guided Self-Inquiry with S.
Q: Please define what you mean by "soul", and I'd be happy to answer.
Doing great, thank you. Hope you have a great thnaksgiving as well.
Quick answer: It's a concept like all others. What of it?
Q; Well the reason I ask is non dualism and the existence of a soul are both just theories, right?
A: Yes, Everything is a concept in the mind.
Q: Well I even pump the breaks on that to an extent. Physical reality clearly exists. Whether it exists in the mind or otherwise won't change that
A: Yes, physical reality appears to "clearly" exist to the mind. Beyond the mind - in Pure Awareness - is it only concepts and sensation  that arise, including the mind.  Since all you know and can "know" is in the mind, the external reality appears to be real and exist. Upon deep inspection it is seen to  be all mental thoughts. Ramana Maharshi explains this ever so clearly. Please take time to read this "Who Am I section: https://tomdas.com/2020/07/13/the-path-of-sri-ramana-parts-1-and-2/
Q: Don't you reach a point where you realize all of these lengthy responses to simple questions are just mental maturation? I earnestly and honestly ask this question. My intellect is certainly appealed to by going down that road with you but if I had this discussion about what's real and so on, at the end of the day if I cut myself it hurts
A: Yes, there is the appearance of body sensation in the mind and with that pain. The Pure Awareness is beyond and contains all that.
Q:Explain pure awareness. That sounds like my kind of thing lol
A: OK, Do you exist?
Q: I have something I wrote a out it
A: Yes or no?
Q: One sec I'll send it
Q: Yes
A: nope - I won't read it.
TY now, how do you know you exist?
bear with me.
Q: Because if I stab myself it hurts, others recognize my existence socially, I think therefore I am
A: How do you know it hurts?
Q: Signals to my brain tell me
A: I'm feeling charitable after a long night hanging out with Pure Awareness.
You are -aware- of the pain, yes?
A: signals to the brain is just more concepts.
Q: Yes, and I'm aware that I exist and so do you

 

A: Well, I exist for you in your mind. "I" - joe form is not really in  your mind, correct?
Q: Correct
Q: I understand everything and everyone I've ever experienced could be my own mind, or the mind of the one
A: Let's leave such concepts alone for now it's just going to trip you up and distract you from the Truth.
So, this awareness must precede everything - by definition. And is always there and active - even during deep sleep, correct? Otherwise what "wakes you up"
Q: Right, my awareness is what I experience
A: I need to go finish yoga - my thought form needs the stretching
Read through this post -specifically the comments by BVelo.
Ah now we get to it. What is that I - are you aware of the sense of I ?
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/z2zue5/comment/ixjravz/?context=3
Q: I just want your explanation of pure awareness. All this clarifying terms and so on, when I tell you look at that red car you see a red car and say there it is. What's pure awareness?
Just lay it out and see what happens
A: Read my responses and how it works.
I was able to focus on the I and then asked the question- who am i is aware of the "I"
Answer was "me" - so then i asked who am i and it led to the realization I am this vast vast field of Pure Awareness that is the "ground state" of all. This is true  for "all" of us.
Q: Which is baked in the separation from our body
That only defines thought.
I am more than thought
A: Pure Awareness is what we all are.  Undifferentiated, undefined, immovable, unchanging. it is what all things arise from. 
Mind arises first, then the thought "I" then the rest of the world. Read the maharshi paper - he lays it out quite well.
A: How do you know - through direct experience - that you are more than thought?
A: That pure awareness is right there with you - behind or underneath all that is going on for you - It's Right There! But, your attention is focused on the creations of the mind - thoughts and sense perception (which are thoughts) and so we "miss' the subtle truth of what we are., But it's right there,, right now , always. It cannot be otherwise.
Q: I can accept what you are saying but it doesn't bring me any dread. That I'm just a temporary manifestation of the one witnessing things happen fed by an illusory ego that allows me to think I'm in control. I'm really ok with that.
Things are simply happening and to think why is literally pointless
A: Great, sounds like you have a very clear conceptual understanding and you're not resisting it so shifting your attention and allowing the truth  to enter is much easier.
Q: Ok
Hit me
I'm not talking about why I'm causality in this case.
Like why I'm the one, asking myself about my own existence within my own mind.
To you, an extension of myself




A: I Need to practice yoga. Read the marharshi paper and the thread and try just sitting and focus attention on I - that is how I did it.





Q: In a dream which exists within my own mind and encompasses all that is?




A: Because it's your nature to do so.


A: No, the Pure Awareness is not a dream within your mind. It can said it's the other way around.


A: I'll check back later- give it a try and lets see.
Love you