Daily Diary December 12, 2022

There seems to be two descriptions of non-duality:
1. Recognition of one’s true nature as Self/Atman/Pure Awareness/Consciousness and with that seeing that mind and all thoughts & perceptions are illusory and not “real”, including the thought “I” and perceived sense of “I am”. With recognition of true nature comes recognition/acceptance/surrender to the truth that all things – thoughts and perceptions are the Self/… manifesting and therefore is non-dual by nature and definition.

  1. The perception/experience of subject-object disappears and there is no “boundary” Between perceived and perceived and no sense of “I” or “I Am” ( though I question this – see below “test” ) and this is called non-duality though I prefer to call it unicity.

In both cases Awareness is required as primary – to be aware of and as Mind/Thought in the first case and to be aware of the experience of no sense of I and unicity in the second.


Both are not mutually exclusive or mutually necessary/implied/required:e.g. one can have direct recognition of true Self and not have an experience of unicity.

Once can have an experience of unicity and not recognize truth of true Self.

Correlation is not causation – and I highly doubt most of the posters have direct experience.

If I ask one who recognizes their true Self if they exist, they would answer: Yes and No:

No, because true Self is beyond space and time and therefore cannot be said to exist: Existence defined as being in space and time.  Nisargadatta often answers from this perspective, e.g.:  “I was never born and will never die”

Yes, as the apparent manifestation of mind-thought-created external reality and thought “I” and sense of “I am” which is required to/is used to answer the question, exists in space and time, yet all of this arises within the Self – beyond space and time. Yet these are thoughts only and are illusory and in reality, do not exist.

If I ask one who is experiencing unicity, they would answer Yes.

Lastly, the experience of non-duality through unicity is just that. An experience and therefore Awareness is required and primary. So, can one have the experience of unicity and still not recognize their true nature as Self?

1 + 1 != 2


“Since the Self can never be proved objectively, it always remains a mystery to the human mind and a subject of speculation, skepticism
and conjecture.” I would add that the mind, if quiet enough and “open” enough and willingly surrendered to/accepted the truth of Atman, can get a vague sense of it by deduction – e.g. a foot print in the snow may indicate a foot and therefore a person was there – but one cannot know more than that and cannot see the person who made the step. Or pure energy cannot be seen – but one can see light.

I am “new” to Realization territory and am “just getting my sea legs” and still have noob mind.

I source all the information and answers that I need directly.

In my case, while Realization of true Self occurred 2 weeks ago, I have been practicing for 25 + years (though I formally stopped for the last 12).

Now, I still see the thought/sense of I / I am arise when for example someone asks me something – although I don’t think about it and do not need to create the I in order for action to be carried out.

It is like an organ grinder’s monkey – asleep next to the organ grinder until you offer it a peanut then it wakes up, grabs the peanut east it (or whatever) and goes back to sleep.

There is no identification with the sense of I am.

And yet if you asked me am I do I exist. I would have to say yes from that perspective and there would be something there to answer the question.

Do you have experience with this or do you know others?  Do they still have the sense of I am arise for the convenience of answering ego type questions, but then it basically goes back to sleep or doesn’t bother them very much.

My mind is mostly still or empty most of the time.

But people in the ND forum keep talking about the loss of ego or ego annihilation or loss of sense of I or I am.

I have dis-identified with the ego that is for sure, but I would say the ego doesn’t actually go away. It’s more like a little monkey that sits next to me and goes and does stuff when I ask it to.

So, I must conclude that:

  1. Ppl are not speaking from their own personal experience (what a shock! jk)
  2. The term death, loss, etc. is pointing to dis-identification with the I/ego – which I bet could feel like “death” – though for me it  was gradual, so I hardly noticed when the dis-identification took place, although it did appear as an actual physical experience.

I also still practice following the meditation I/who am I in focusing on the feeling of that electric vibration in my body and focus my attention. I expect this to deepen as time progresses.

I have your ability to play songs in my head and listen to them pretty much note for note exactly as they are recorded –  I’ve used that to try and avoid pretty much everything else in my life that was annoying or unpleasant. But now I don’t  let that happen. I just stay quiet in my head and focus on the feeling of the buzz, breathe and bell and feeling of “pure awareness-lite, less filling taste great! that fits “inside” my head and I can walk around semi-normal while “abiding in the PA. “

Think Griff’s head – the universe in place of his mind – but it fits under a ski cap in MIB III

Though I actually don’t like that term “abide” which implies separation: the here sitting in that over there. Ugh.

However, I’ve had experiences of pure consciousness and pure awareness that were what I called the vast vast vastness – of where it was literally infinity, and I was appearing in it and It’s more “convenient” to carry the PA-lite around with me when I have to go shopping and stuff.

Plus the energy wife calls The Exuberance like having it turned up to 11.

That happened recently – prior to the Realization. I think it got turned up so high in order to work through and burn through stuff very quickly in prep for the Realization that was coming. So I had three intense experiences of pure awareness, combined with high exuberance – up all night all the cosmic stuff . Fortunately, now it’s ramped down and I’m perfectly happy with what it is it – I get a few hours sleep – write the rest of the time or meditate and rest while kitties sleep on me.

I don’t watch anywhere near as many movies as I used to. I read more or write now.

So I’m reading a lot of things that I used to read  – I Am That, McKenna books plus new things as well. Apparently right now it’s up for me to work on breath – 4 different people have told me in my life right now I need to work on breath, so OK got it.


Daily Diary Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Awake about 1 AM couldn’t sleep because of cat positioning came downstairs read a little bit and then slept a little bit and then meditated for probably an hour, hour and a half off and on which is really good. Finally woke up around 5:30 5:45 got up for a little bit better.

I am wondering if the flared awareness will be coming back or if the awareness light as I call it which is around all the time and seems to be the natural state is the extent.

Yes, I seem to miss it a bit as I can get more done more quickly or directly in the flared awareness.

Did enjoy meeting G. last night and look forward to more discussions with him. I’m not quite sure what we’re going to be talking about. I wonder if there’s some collaborative effort between us that we could write maybe a book or a series of articles.

It might be interesting to see the contrast between one who kind of came about it naturally, and happened over a long period of time and one who didn’t work traditional search and seeking and approach

There is noticing that stillness awareness presence is more and more of the ground state and more awareness. A few thoughts arising long periods of time of no thought, and along with that peace.
Still meditating, using focusing on the eye and who am I to break thought stream.
So they’re happening less and less.
There is still the interpretation or stop over in Storyland between the intent or will and the action I continue to work on that.

Daily Diary December 3, 2022

I’m 63 and could retire, but then my Goddess, my wife asks – and do what? So, for now, I keep my corporate job writing and recording technical computer training material. It’s fun, easy, pays well and the people I work with are cool – I work from home and it gives me something to do while the cats nap.

But, to the point, I do have three things I want to do “in retirement”

  1. Is publish something I wrote. I even have a working title – “Being No One, Going Nowhere” I don’t consider a blog I set up and write to as being published (You know that ‘Nemo’ is Greek for No One 😉 . I wrote a lot in 2002 – 2008 – some if it strong and good most of it chaotic blend of half-in half –out ND/D– but there are gems in there like this:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone
or never was or never can be
a bird may be singing,
a raindrop slides down a window
a plate breaks
a cat brushes your leg
you pick up your keys
or turn on a light
you will forget to remember to be you
in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes
you will be you no longer
but ever more so

Emerged spontaneously pretty much as you see it.

Agreed – I am seeing more and more that the ego fades or “gets out of the way” or becomes a small little servant waiting to be asked to do something: When it fades and the Pure Awareness (PA) seems more “direct and stronger” ( nicely put by the way, spot on,  I totally agree It does not get ‘stronger’, the veils of mind/ego become less  and it shines through more noticeably, of course PA never changes) then when a “question arises” – the mind works to help craft the language and concepts. E.g.: “What is the meaning of life – (instant reply) Service to others.”
And it seems to play a part in understandings and knowing – conceptually – which seems to be a required(?) aspect of this manifestation, at least. I’m still examining and inquiring into whether any actual understanding/knowing occurs in the mind or if that is happening more in the PA via the mind. Of course, it’s all PA.

While I have 20+ years conceptual clarity mixed in with a few glimpses of Pure Awareness, I have (what time is it…?) 10 days of actual experience, and 60+ years of ego has some inertia in it. So pointers and such are getting clearer and clearer.

Yes, less obscured, and more noticeable when not in meditation. I have four “reminders” the ringing in my head (the bell), the breath, the electric aliveness in my body (the buzz), the visual field of graininess (in semi-dark rooms, it’s there in lighted rooms, but way too hard to notice, though that has started to be more noticeable)  -these four are constant companions and reminders. I take them as the manifestation or “footprint” of PA in human form. But IDK – still working on describing it and its purpose. As I consider most self-referential internal narrative as toxic waste by-product of PA in human form. IDK LOL

Quick terminology thing. I like “Pure Awarenss” thought “pure” is redundant of course and currently have a small minor hindrance using “Consciousness”, as consciousness to me implies some form of cognition. But I am getting more and more OK using consciousness. Another poster used – it’s all “objects appearing” and I have an issue with that as “Object”  implies a subject to be aware of- but maybe I’m being too nitpicky and pedantic –a Vasana I have from being a teacher or what contributes to  me being a good teacher. Anyway…PA works well as a pointer because it is harder to reduce it to an “concept-object” in the mind.

I’ve thought about posting in reddit – “What is your favorite and least favorite pointers and why?”
Everything is a pointer, of course, but some are more pure or closer to truth or more useful, and some less.

Yes, I get the “light coat of self” – excellent observation – and here aspects of the PA are more and more noticeable in “day to day life when I go outside”  and I can see that becoming more of the foreground.

Playing such an instrument in service. I get chills of compassion and love just thinking about it.

#2 in retirement is to assemble an acoustic guitar.

#3 is volunteer in Hospice – My Goddess’s mother died in the house here recently in hospice care and the hospice folks here in North county San Diego were Amazing. I’d like to give something back and pass it on.

As my wife would say – that’s a lot of words. But this becomes part of my daily diary work.

It’s early am here and I’m up and the PA is more noticeable; I can see the allure of “I don’t need to meditate” as the PA shines through more and becomes the natural resting state.

So, to your point – I’m off to meditate.

Going to a Friend’s Party

Going to J. and J.’s party tonight. It was amazing.

Very much like Bradley Cooper in limitless.

It was masterful pristine. He went to say when to say it I was relaxed calm.

I was witty and clever and irreverent to just the right degree. When necessary redirected  conversation to lighter topic when it got too heavy was honest about Justin and Jason to the sales guy talk to 13 or 14 different people.

It was amazing to be able to just shake hands and introduce myself.

and go  from there and it was easy to find something to talk about from how do you know Justin and Jason to whatever.., where are you from what brought you to SD…

Being warm and genuine and truthful and honest.

And I was so high when I left, I used to use a lot of drugs to feel like that just to get there.

Frankly, I was stunned how easy it was effortless calm relaxed.

Definitely some people with attracted to, and most people is neutral with and a couple had really not good energy and I really noticed that.

And stayed away from them typically seemed to be women with heavy bodies.

I can honestly say I enjoy myself had a good time and might actually look forward to doing something like that again.

It’s a little weird that I won’t see those people again anytime soon, so that’s a part of it but it’ll be interesting to go to a party where I know everybody and see how that goes.

There were some initial – I wouldn’t say stress so much – more  a little tightness about how it would all play out.

And clearly there’s nothing to worry about.

Just show up.

This is easily one of the most clear indicators and pointers to a significant massive personality shift.

There’s no other way to put up with that.


One Day – Describing the Indescribable

December 1, 2022

I can appreciate the exquisite ecstatic agony of crafting a pointer to nothingness, by negating and contradicting concepts invented to describe something-ness.

In a sense it reminds me of Quantum Physics- how Einstein, Bohr, Heisenberg, et al, described a universe that cannot be known or completely or accurately measured, using only mathematical and statistical symbols.

Here, the ecstatic agony is to craft a pointer as a story as well as story as a pointer. This arose decades ago spontaneously & just a moment ago:

One Day

On a day that may have come and gone

or never was or never can be

a bird may be singing,

a raindrop slides down a window

a plate breaks

a cat brushes your leg

you pick up your keys

or turn on a light


you will forget to remember to be you


in that moment, everything will change even as nothing changes

you will be you no longer

but ever more so

And aphorisms, one of my favorite vehicles:

You can’t make it happen, you can’t prevent it from happening.

  • this works both inside and outside.

Awareness As, not Awareness Of.

  • paraphrasing Steven Norquist.

Also see Franklin Merrell Wolff’s book: Philosophy of Consciousness without an Object. “Consciousness without an object Is” Is primary.

Daily Diary November 30- December 1, 2022

Flared awareness arose last night after posts on Reddit.
I woke to clarity in the terms of the post.
Wrote my  reply, and then continue to work through things:
first thing I noticed was that of course everything is self arising – the pure awareness. It’s also the mind and the parts of that.
The mind can never fully understand, or know, because knowing and understanding is an aspect of the Self and mind by very nature will always be dualistic, so it always see it as awareness of not  awareness as.
In a sense , the mind takes bazillion of instantaneous snapshots of experience,  perception,  feeling, emotions concept, body sensation.
The mind at best can get a barest inkling or infer the truth that this is all the self manifesting, including the mind itself and its products, but it can never fully grasp it  it’s not possible. The nature of the mind is inherently dualistic, and therefore can never fully grasp non-dual reality
So, even in the pure awareness, mind is aware of this happening but created a n illusory duality that the happiness is in the pure awareness that it needs  to get to that. That is simply mind doing the best it can to understand its true nature, which it can never do.
Happiness is right  here now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all  just the self. All of it is self even the ego is a self rising as ego.
Practice for me is both strengthening and discipline the mind, but also reminder of what’s true. And it’s quiet time to allow this to happen without objective interference.
And a time to also bring the mind back into itself.
The bell,  the breath, and the buzz and the visual field are all constant reminders that this is the self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Possible post the non-contradiction contradiction.
Awareness as not awareness of.
PA flared again last night- seems to be happening every other day. Contraction from cold and needing to sleep the night after being up all night seem to play into it.
Realization my practice is both strengthening, disciplining but also reminder, and chance to be with the stillness and PA w/out so much objective work’.
Crystal clear recognition all is Self- including mind and thoughts. Complete non-duality.
While the mind can -at best – infer a barest glimpse of Truth and surrender -a bit- and allow ‘limited’ understanding of the truth,
It cannot ever know, understand or comprehend-‘get its mind around LOL- the Truth.
Not because it doesn’t want to or is resistant but because it’s totally incapable of doing it.
Mind is all about duality- this here that over there.
Even the ‘happiness that is our nature’ becomes ‘I’ here have to merge into that there to experience the happiness.
Nope. All of this is Self, and for me the happiness arises right here, right now.
There is no abiding in or merging with Self.
It is all just Self and idea of ‘merging’ is the ego duality as well. Merge and abide are inherently dualistic by definition.
There is awareness of that that rises and falls and becoming distracted by illusion of mind-thought, but there’s nowhere to go.
Happiness is right here and now in seeing through the illusion created by the mind, and Maya, accepting and surrendering to the truth, that it is all just the Self. All of it is self even the ego is Self arising as ego.
Truth is: awareness as not of.
Mind will always see awareness of.
The bell – constant ringing in my head, the breath, and the buzz -electric feeling of aliveness as my body and the visual field – graininess that underlies all vision- are all constant reminders that this is the Self spontaneously arising moment to moment.
Naturally timing the moment between exhale /inhale to pause in heartbeat.❤️
Even my idea or ‘perception’ that the PA is underneath/just behind all is dualistic thinking.
Subtle, perhaps, but enough to satisfy ego and ‘keep me looking for what was never there’ 🙄🫥🤨


What I find interesting in going back and reading my notes from those days is that I clearly saw pure awareness, pure consciousness quite often, and was indeed in it quite often and even talked about being in it quite often.
What did not happen was closing the circle,  solving the math problem, seeing the FedEx logo, even though I used that quite often in teaching – that I am that
that is what I missed by not having a teacher to guide me in self inquiry and not having a decent meditation practice to make the shift permanent.
No, I had to do it all by myself. If I even asked one person what is meant by the sense of i am and even read the Maharshi essay , I could’ve probably put two and two together and come up with one.

The Microverse defined

I discovered the microverse as a space between awake and the dream state.
I noticed that in that in-between state an entire universe – complete in all details –  is created and it contains a certain situation or scenario.
To refer to Carl Sagan in order to make an apple pie you need the first create the universe.
What I find interesting is that the microverse  created is effectively, infinite like the current universe. You can go as far as you want in any direction and it is complete just like the ‘real’ universe.
And why not? the mind creates the ‘real’ external universe in the exact same way.
This can tie into what I saw of consciousness, tweezing out objects from the formless, bringing them into form, so consciousness is able to create objects from nothing, and those objects, being created out formless consciousness know how to be what they are : so a table for example, knows how to be a table. It doesn’t change into a chair. It doesn’t dissolve into a fish. Unless it’s supposed to.
Also, think about in with psychedelics and other types of things, you get your own personal ‘reality’
sandbox, so you don’t mess up other people’s ‘reality’
From DMT
That there was a Vastness, Source from which everything came and originated  and reality – form – was the mind chopping up /molding of formless source into form. The formless is constrained and restrained to produce the shape and existence of Form. Formless is the basis of form.
There is the sense that
1. Effort (intent or will) was needed to “carve out” a form from the Vastness. There was also a sense of knowing what and how to carve to get the desired form (like a chair a sky or a person). Not carve so much as define with thought. Almost seemed the object, if it was already known, tended to help define itself (?)
2. The effort of conceiving the Pure Vastness reduced the purity and introduced an “impurity’ in a sense. So, that form created by thought is not the Purity itself.(6/12/12: a tension was felt/sensed in forming/constraining the Pure Vastness)
3. After a form was carved out it became real and part of the experienced form of reality – thought and form. It then “knew how to be itself” based on its nature. There never was a sense of telling things how to be or act. Everything just knew how to be itself – how to play out its nature. Like objects in OOP.
Making things from the source was effortless and easy but also required will – things did not arise out of the Source unless pulled out by the mind. The mind really did separate out and draw distinction between things – thereby bringing these things into form. Sometimes a sense of willing to create some thing, some times ”told, informed or ‘just knew’” what to create and that I had to create. Some things were left for me to choose, some were foisted upon me.
Per the movie, inception, we create and perceive at the same time, like creating the bridge, which holds us up at the same time.
We can discover new world’s that don’t exist because we make it up as we go.

Inception as example of maharshi’s explanation of the mind

Starting at 26:00 listen to how he explains how the mind creates the dream- from ’starting in the middle’ to filling it in as you go.
See related reference to the microverse concept.
And there you have it- Inception
And there you have it
the dream state becomes reality
the mind-thought-external projections become their -our- reality.
They come to wake up from the dream also see vanilla sky.
That dream state can be pierced and the true reality can shine through and become their -our- new reality.
From Inception scene with the dreamers at :42

Daily Diary, November 29, 2022

Technically this is a continuing diary from last night the 28th when I had my first session with Sarah for body work.
Then, but 9 o’clock went to bed and just felt Wideawake and then white or awake and Wideawake and all of a sudden I had a small mini vastness in my head.
That was great. I enjoyed it for 1 to 3 hours and did some work as well. Answered questions about non duality.
I am still of the mind that not duality in this context means direct experience of being the one in the manifestation and it’s all the manifestation. I don’t have the experience of separation of subject object boundaries.
Then around midnight I noticed I was –  the word bored comes up but I don’t think it’s appropriate. I think I just had enough so I headed downstairs. Had some granola and finished  the sponge cake and came back upstairs to sleep.
So for me experiencing the conscious awareness is not necessarily bliss and love and flowers and rainbows and unicorns it’s primarily mental very expansive wide-open unconstrained and free even within the context of a small head.
I called this conscious awareness light or the mobile version which I can take with me and fit inside my head instead of a vast vast expanse of this that takes up consumes and contains the entire universe.
of course all the other stuff is there and comes up as needed based on questions and thoughts but that’s not my primary experience. Notice the apology letters to Sean and John P. both written from this space.
I came upstairs to lay down and  by midnight my body started to relax and not go to sleep but rest in the way that would be if it was sleeping
A conscious awareness was not right ramping down or going to sleep so I just lay there and let the body relax more and more and essentially get rest. Conscious awareness didn’t really ramp down until maybe three or four maybe for a little while and maybe dropped off for a bit then went downstairs and hung out on the couch for a bit and tried to rest and sleep and maybe get another hour in.
Very good post from HumblePawn about breath and take that into the practice.
The idea of surrender is spot on.
I have to surrender to when it comes up. I have no control. I have to sign it when it will go away and I have to surrender when it won’t come up.
I’m hoping that continued practice strengthens
and disciplines the mind and also tying in with breathing will make it easier to bring that up for that to enter into arise when it does.
But it is a straight surrender  deal for sure.