A blog for us all as we evolve and awaken. A single point of consciousness's perspective
2 hour deep meditation- no thoughts, mind with very little narrative/interpretation.
Need to pee arose.
Able to use bathroom and (mostly) maintain concentration/state
Body took care of itself – very little attention needed.
Same when saying “meditating not sleeping” to D – more like pushing it out then talking normally felt.
Finally really ‘get’ what the walking is about at the breaks in Seeshins.
Easily returning to:
Between breath
Between heartbeats
Between thoughts
Thundering silence.
In meditation this morning, the first half hour was tough as usual and then got much easier. Actually it might not have been the first whole half hour. It might be getting easier sooner.
But once the first half hours done, the remaining period of time was simply amazing – no sense of time passing – the alarm would go off and I’d reset for another five minutes and another five minutes and another five minutes and would’ve kept going if I didn’t have a call at the top of the hour.
The piece was phenomenal – I don’t know what to say about it.
There was still some very light mind activity and thoughts in the background way in the background. But even so, I need to just keep bringing my attention back to my hands or just simply the peace itself would work.
I did notice that even a little bit of thought in the background detracted from or ever so slightly polluted the overall peace. There also is also a sense of seeing something or going somewhere deeper, and that was effected by the thoughts as well.
So next time, need to work much more carefully and clear the thoughts and keep them clear and keep bringing it back to the peace and stillness.
Also ran over how I would take someone through a meditation from initial questions of how do you value truth & how does it feel for you to be in alignment with truth, to do you exist, to feeling presence, to thoughts ,to illusion of thoughts, to illusion of thoughts of self, and eventually focusing on the presence itself.
Friday December 9 2022
Biggest thing today was trying to remember a negative life shock to demonstrate the clearing process for Dr L. I searched and searched and searched and really could not come up with a negative life shock. I had a wowser the day after, but at that point no life shock.
So I pulled a minor one out that was recent – that in the old days wouldn’t even have counted. LOL.
I re-experienced the life shock, felt the emotion and feeling and started in on the mind talk and quickly, after one sentence, got to:
“Well maybe he was mad or maybe he was disappointed or maybe he was something else.”
At that point, I abruptly stopped looked up and realized I’ve never in all my years of probably hundreds of clearings – both for myself and others – ever, ever heard the mind use the word maybe.
That was such a shock it blew me right out of the process. The intense laugher cleared me right up. I was just laughing for so long because very few people would even be able to appreciate that!
I could appreciate it and it was just great – that the mind is changed so much that it doesn’t really even in do mind talk in absolutes.
For example, the mind typically says things like this persons an idiot this person is trash. She’s a bitch, it’s always gonna be like this, it’s never gonna be like that, they’re always gonna do this to me. Absolutes,.
I’ve never heard a “maybe” in my life and maybe turns out to be true mind talk – maybe he was mad. I don’t know, I haven’t checked it out yet so that would turn out to be a real don’t know. Pretty funny.
So, more to the point, the mind has changed and the mind talk it produces is less caustic and less seeing or experiencing situations as so negative.
Until the next day. More on that December 11, 2022.
Another thing being noticed is what I’m saying. Usually there’s nothing in my head I haven’t rehearsed anything and what comes out is just what comes out,. Talking to a clerk while buying some cards at a Hallmark store, she said no use complaining it’ll never change. and I said ” well maybe it’s the way you complain”
and she said “maybe i don’t need to complain so loudly ”
I said well, not necessarily maybe it’s how you do it. And then from somebody else popped out the words “it’s OK to ask for what you want. And it seemed perfect for her. Wow love it.
Saturday December 10 – Sunday 11, 2022
A very difficult couple of days .I spoke with an old friend yesterday and the conversation did not go well. As a result, I was in contraction most of the day and evening and into today.
Spent two hours in I/who am I meditation this morning. First hour blew through and I was noticing feelings of sadness and suffering, which I haven’t felt in weeks and weeks. There was concern around that and even the possible thought that I have a “lost it”. But since there’s nothing to actually lose and that most of that’s just an experience, I just let it go and continued to sit. But, I could feel my gut was tight – a sure sign of egoic reaction.
Couple things dropped in- something someone said to me about watching ego versus insight and then something else about carrying someone else’s sadness and suffering. It was almost like the David Bromberg song “Somebody Else’s Blues”. I was wondering where was the sufferting coming from? It wasn’t coming from me. And then after a while, it hit me.
I need to let this friend go.
I’ve been in an enabling, codependent relationship with him, almost from the first time we met. And after sitting and meditating on that I wrote the following:
13 years ago and just a moment ago I picked you up at the side of the road hitchhiking.And now 13 years later and a moment later, I open my door and let you out , apparently pretty much at the same spot.I have carried you literally and figuratively for all those years.I thought I could save you, guide you, protect you, heal you.I thought I could sit with you and be a big brother and keep you company while you – and I – suffered.I see now clearly that is all ego. And any action I take in this just sustains the ego. I surrender you to the Universe, the Self, knowing you are in better hands. And always have been.I realized something was amiss when yesterday I was saying that my personality had shifted and it was permanent and I was just about to say the words ‘and that is why I keep practicing to ensure it’ when you jumped in before I could finish, to say or question if the shift was really permanent.I am done. I’m done with my spiritual seeking and I’m done with suffering and sadness and am moving on.And I am done with us.
Attempting to find a way to convince? talk to? “radical non-dualists” who reject the micro – the ground state awareness/Atman.
It seems objectively absurd to ignore or deny awareness as the ground state.
But they do it. Getting a whiff of flat earthers…
I made a final attempt with the micro/macro idea -and now will drop it. Seems to me that they are coping out with the whole “It just is” line as frankly a lazy way to avoid doing the work needed for the micro.
Like in 3500 years o one else thoguht of the Macro. I would suggest that it was seen early o as a “duh, no kidding, that’s obvious, and then was rejected and the micro – the Atman/Awareness/Consciousness approach was followed instead. I think the macro is useful for possibly collapsing insincere seekers,or for the beginners, but for those who insist on the the Truth, the micro is the only way to go. There’s a reason it’s hard and Maya has the reputation she does. And maybe why McKenna does not even mention it as do no other sages.
Awareness requires or, at a minimum, implies that there is someone to be aware.”
I can see why you would say that – it implies an infinite regression – which cannot be true. I would say the awareness is self-aware/self-evident and so no infinite regression.
But the word awareness does not work for you. Just like Consciousness does not work for me. Fine.
Personally, I think there is a background of awareness/attention when fingers are typing, but it so subtle that it goes unnoticed. This is what I thought you meant in your comment weeks ago that “it’s always been there. ” I “got” the “message” of “This is what is happening” decades ago.
The difference was becoming aware of awareness – sorry 😉
This is what the Realization showed. “I” am that awareness = I am that – that is what it points to. If you re-read the dedication of I AM That you will see that is what it means.
Ofc “This is all there is and what is happening. ” Agreed.
Yet, the Self turned up the volume of awareness/attention – or the subtle background presence of the Self – to such a degree it could not go unnoticed. The “background field” of awareness/Self shifted to foreground. (apologies for mixed terms here, please bear with me). That is the Realization. It is so subtle that the immersive aspect of perception and thought hides it. Any action taken hides it. One must quiet the mind, ala Ramana’s I/Who Am I, for example to discoverer it. That is so funny, you were using self-inquiry to take me to “the message” (iI think) and I was able to use it to Realize my true nature. The Self/IS is amazing and efficient!
WRT Advaita as a process – There is a reason there is a process to it.
TL;DR: You learn needed things along the way. Even Doogie Houser had to complete Medical School. I know Doogie is not a real person – but then neither are we;-)
Longer version: Taking a shortcut can have repercussions. Gary practiced for 20 years before he reached that and Tony as well and Nisargadatta 3 years and Ramana – they did it through individual efforts and did not the “help” of external substances. I used psychedelics to “see the door and walk through” get a glimpse of what was possible in liberation- but could not “stay” I always came down. Then I did the internal work through study, meditation, contemplation and eventually self-inquiry to get there on my own.
I question the validity and efficacy of substance-generated “realization” “shortcuts” – I would wonder if all the pieces really were in place sufficiently to sustain the “final answer’ – as a teacher, there’s a reason there is a process of learning that takes time: doctor, lawyer, airplane pilot, nuclear physicist – it takes a long time to learn and master these skills. Otherwise there can be dire consequences down the line. Some excited new physics student goes right to nuclear fission class and lets the 1/2 the ball of uranium come into contact with the other half because they just don’t know the repercussion or are careless and poof. (true story, by the way, you can look it up).
This may be why there are no authentic stories of people spontaneously Realizing – or so they say on reddit – so it must be true 😉
Yes, those realize that the micro level get the macro level for free. I don’t think the reverse is true.
Wednesday, December 7, 2022.
I just got that this whole me- self thing is just basically a big crutch – very much like being addicted to a drug – and I have quit drug addictions before – I stopped smoking in 1998 and quit carbs 4 years ago and I can quit this one as well.
Another crutch is some internal narration that continues. Much lighter and less than before but still there.
And the last one is a little more esoteric there’s noticing that there’s an arising of intent or will – something needs to be done or there’s some kind of desire to do something, and then there’s an interpretation – what I call a stop in storyland – where a narration occurs – words and thoughts and concepts, and then the action occurs.
One of my practices is to eliminate that stop in storyland, and go right from sensing the intent or will directly into action without having to generate the narration. The whole self referential internal narrative feels like sitting in a sewer. Dark and dirty and smelly, but very warm and familiar.
Talking to my cats is an example of this. Seemingly harmless, but still maintains the narration and separation.
As this work deepens, such subtitles need to be noticed, understood and then annihilated.
If the universe is spontaneously, appearing molto moment out of pure awareness, pure consciousness, the mind sees it as a series of snapshots and therefore, there’s a sense of time, there’s a sense of space, there’s a sense of progression.
But the entire universe is appearing complete moment to moment.
There seems to be two descriptions of non-duality:
1. Recognition of one’s true nature as Self/Atman/Pure Awareness/Consciousness and with that seeing that mind and all thoughts & perceptions are illusory and not “real”, including the thought “I” and perceived sense of “I am”. With recognition of true nature comes recognition/acceptance/surrender to the truth that all things – thoughts and perceptions are the Self/… manifesting and therefore is non-dual by nature and definition.
In both cases Awareness is required as primary – to be aware of and as Mind/Thought in the first case and to be aware of the experience of no sense of I and unicity in the second.
Hypothesis:
Both are not mutually exclusive or mutually necessary/implied/required:e.g. one can have direct recognition of true Self and not have an experience of unicity.
Once can have an experience of unicity and not recognize truth of true Self.
Correlation is not causation – and I highly doubt most of the posters have direct experience.
Test:
If I ask one who recognizes their true Self if they exist, they would answer: Yes and No:
No, because true Self is beyond space and time and therefore cannot be said to exist: Existence defined as being in space and time. Nisargadatta often answers from this perspective, e.g.: “I was never born and will never die”
Yes, as the apparent manifestation of mind-thought-created external reality and thought “I” and sense of “I am” which is required to/is used to answer the question, exists in space and time, yet all of this arises within the Self – beyond space and time. Yet these are thoughts only and are illusory and in reality, do not exist.
If I ask one who is experiencing unicity, they would answer Yes.
Lastly, the experience of non-duality through unicity is just that. An experience and therefore Awareness is required and primary. So, can one have the experience of unicity and still not recognize their true nature as Self?
1 + 1 != 2
https://www.hinduwebsite.com/hinduism/concepts/anatma.asp
“Since the Self can never be proved objectively, it always remains a mystery to the human mind and a subject of speculation, skepticism
and conjecture.” I would add that the mind, if quiet enough and “open” enough and willingly surrendered to/accepted the truth of Atman, can get a vague sense of it by deduction – e.g. a foot print in the snow may indicate a foot and therefore a person was there – but one cannot know more than that and cannot see the person who made the step. Or pure energy cannot be seen – but one can see light.
I am “new” to Realization territory and am “just getting my sea legs” and still have noob mind.
I source all the information and answers that I need directly.
In my case, while Realization of true Self occurred 2 weeks ago, I have been practicing for 25 + years (though I formally stopped for the last 12).
Now, I still see the thought/sense of I / I am arise when for example someone asks me something – although I don’t think about it and do not need to create the I in order for action to be carried out.
It is like an organ grinder’s monkey – asleep next to the organ grinder until you offer it a peanut then it wakes up, grabs the peanut east it (or whatever) and goes back to sleep.
There is no identification with the sense of I am.
And yet if you asked me am I do I exist. I would have to say yes from that perspective and there would be something there to answer the question.
Do you have experience with this or do you know others? Do they still have the sense of I am arise for the convenience of answering ego type questions, but then it basically goes back to sleep or doesn’t bother them very much.
My mind is mostly still or empty most of the time.
But people in the ND forum keep talking about the loss of ego or ego annihilation or loss of sense of I or I am.
I have dis-identified with the ego that is for sure, but I would say the ego doesn’t actually go away. It’s more like a little monkey that sits next to me and goes and does stuff when I ask it to.
So, I must conclude that:
I also still practice following the meditation I/who am I in focusing on the feeling of that electric vibration in my body and focus my attention. I expect this to deepen as time progresses.
I have your ability to play songs in my head and listen to them pretty much note for note exactly as they are recorded – I’ve used that to try and avoid pretty much everything else in my life that was annoying or unpleasant. But now I don’t let that happen. I just stay quiet in my head and focus on the feeling of the buzz, breathe and bell and feeling of “pure awareness-lite, less filling taste great! that fits “inside” my head and I can walk around semi-normal while “abiding in the PA. “
Think Griff’s head – the universe in place of his mind – but it fits under a ski cap in MIB III
Though I actually don’t like that term “abide” which implies separation: the here sitting in that over there. Ugh.
However, I’ve had experiences of pure consciousness and pure awareness that were what I called the vast vast vastness – of where it was literally infinity, and I was appearing in it and It’s more “convenient” to carry the PA-lite around with me when I have to go shopping and stuff.
Plus the energy wife calls The Exuberance like having it turned up to 11.
That happened recently – prior to the Realization. I think it got turned up so high in order to work through and burn through stuff very quickly in prep for the Realization that was coming. So I had three intense experiences of pure awareness, combined with high exuberance – up all night all the cosmic stuff . Fortunately, now it’s ramped down and I’m perfectly happy with what it is it – I get a few hours sleep – write the rest of the time or meditate and rest while kitties sleep on me.
I don’t watch anywhere near as many movies as I used to. I read more or write now.
So I’m reading a lot of things that I used to read – I Am That, McKenna books plus new things as well. Apparently right now it’s up for me to work on breath – 4 different people have told me in my life right now I need to work on breath, so OK got it.
Awake about 1 AM couldn’t sleep because of cat positioning came downstairs read a little bit and then slept a little bit and then meditated for probably an hour, hour and a half off and on which is really good. Finally woke up around 5:30 5:45 got up for a little bit better.
I am wondering if the flared awareness will be coming back or if the awareness light as I call it which is around all the time and seems to be the natural state is the extent.
Yes, I seem to miss it a bit as I can get more done more quickly or directly in the flared awareness.
Did enjoy meeting G. last night and look forward to more discussions with him. I’m not quite sure what we’re going to be talking about. I wonder if there’s some collaborative effort between us that we could write maybe a book or a series of articles.
It might be interesting to see the contrast between one who kind of came about it naturally, and happened over a long period of time and one who didn’t work traditional search and seeking and approach